The First Day of the Rest of Her Life

Giving up Ari to school was harder than I thought. I cried and cried. She was so smart and well behaved. I know she is more than ready for this experience and will be learning things that Donovan learned in kindergarten. Does that mean in kinder she will be at first grade level? I kind of expected to have Keira to keep me company by the time Ari went to school. Now I know that I'll have to say goodbye sooner than I'm prepared to.

They All Grow Up

The kids and I have started watching A Baby Story while we wait for our ride to school. The kids are very eager to see their new sister. I think I've come to a plateau where I want her to be here but I want her here on her own time. I want her to be healthy and well developed. The edgy need to have her in my arms has faded away a little and I'm content to keep her as long as possible. 5 weeks maximum- 2 weeks minimum. I can handle it.
Today is Ari's first day of pre-school. I'm anxious about it but she is ready. She has been begging all morning for me to take her in early. Today she's only in for 1 1/2 hours but on Wednesday she goes for the full half day. She's so smart and so ready for socialization- I can't imagine she'll be one of those kids who cries once I leave. I'm not even sure she'll know I'm gone until I get back. Whatever will I do with my afternoons free? Thank the Goddess we got internet back.

My Mother the Nutball

My mom came by today and she seemed more crazed that ever. I was cranky because she bought me another stuffed animal instead of bottles and diapers like we need. We argued- or rather I snapped at her a couple times and then she lay down and pretended to sleep. It aggravates me that she's paranoid and while part of me knows she can't help it, some of me wonders. She is very suspicious of dad and very resentful of the rest of the family. I've pretty much had all I can take of it. I told her how I feel. She says she understands. Nothings changed.

Tooth Faerie

178lbs
fundus 36 cm
Donovan lost his first tooth this morning. He was so excited. Mike wants the tooth faerie to do something special since it's his first. It should have broken my heart. I think I'm getting used to the whole letting go thing. Maybe it's just cause I have Keira to baby now.
The midwife is adamant that I not deliver for 3 more weeks so I'm just hoping that Keira cooperates and also that the three weeks go by quickly. This weekend we get the stroller and car seat and next week we get the little odds and ends like nuk nuks and bottles. It's almost time.

Pictures Of Your Life part 2

Just got back from the ultrasound and there seems to be plenty of liquid. I did find out that the ultrasound tech thinks my EDD is September 30- a full week sooner than the midwife thinks. That puts me at 34 weeks 5 days. Keira is already 5lbs 6oz and any fears I had about her not flourishing were completely unfounded. Her head diameter is already 9 centimeters. I'm so excited. Mike is positive she will be born early the sixth but I'm hoping to make it at least until the 9th or the 13th. I guess at 5lbs 6oz I can't really afford to have her too late in September.

Pictures of Your Life

Today we go in for my third and final ultrasound. They want to make sure since I'm already dilated I still have enough fluid for the baby to live in for 3 or 4 more weeks. I think if there isn't they will give me the drug to develop her lungs in the next 24 hours and then induce but I have misgivings about that. I've done so well with the other two I'd hate to have this one orchestrated. On the other hand, my hips, knees and back can take only so much before I give up. I feel, lately, as if I've been beaten liberally with a baseball bat and then thrown down a set of stairs.

I Touch Myself

I think pregnancy is the perfect time to listen to the cues of your body. Every other day of our lives we hide the pain or ignore it with drugs but during pregnancy its important to revel in every cramp and spasm because they act as guide posts to your ever changing self. That's why I've always chosen natural birth. The pain tells you what to do, if something's wrong, if it's not time and so forth just like the quality of pain tells you things. It makes me wonder why women with short labors chose drugs- It's a good time to learn more about yourself.

Just Another Case of Careful What You Wish For

My midwife did a pelvic exam because I told her I was cramping. I'm 1 centimeter dilated and my cervix is soft. They ordered another ultrasound and asked me back in a week. I know I wanted Keira here early but not until she's fully developed and ready to come out. She asked me to hold on for 3 more weeks and to cut down on my walking and exercise.

Sleepy Nowhere Near Seattle

I try to tell myself I wouldn't sleep so much if I didn't need it. Everyday I feel so exhausted. I"m eating right and exercising, there's no sign of depression. I guess I must need it. Mike doesn't say anything other than "you're pregnant" like that explains it all but I don't remember being this tired during third trimester for Donovan and Ari.
Yesterday I had an especially painful brackston-hicks contraction and it flashed through my head how bad labor is. I was afraid for a split second. It was over quickly but it has lingered with me. The truth is, above and beyond everything else I just want Keira in my arms.

Time Again

Supposedly 8 more weeks and boy have the weeks begun to drag since Donovan went back to school. The days fly by as quickly as ever but it's only Wednesday. All that's left is to buy the stroller and some odds and ends plus the $300 for the day of delivery. That can all be done relatively soon. September will be filled with trying to get Ari and Donovan to two separate schools. If all goes well we'll have "the money" by October and I'll be able to drive to pick them up.
Of course, nothing ever goes the way it should.

Keira Makenzie Block

Gossamer silk like spider's web
A crown of curls around your head

Fountain of youth in eyes of blue
Sparkling deeper that any ocean

Smears of rose dust on your cheeks
To ward away the rain storms

And berry kissed lips smile at me
But promise to tell no secrets.

You must be a changeling babe
a foundling from the forest.

You must be an errant spark
escaped from sudden rainbows.

You must be a four leaf clover
growing on a rocky cliff.

You must be a miracle
a sweet and precious gift.

Post Party depression

Ever since the baby shower I feel very unable to deal with life's little stresses. The kids and cats both annoy me and I'm incapable of dealing with anything that I fail at. It's like the minute something goes wrong my whole life becomes a monumental effort. On Sunday I became hysterical over pancakes. Today I clogged the garbage disposal and lost complete interest in finishing dinner at all. I don't know but I think I over did it this weekend and I'm still paying for it. My emotions and ability to cope are linked with my exhaustion.

Baby Shower Weekend

Two days ago I saw a ghost tiger cat. She was so contented and friendly it filled me with happiness. My friend Linda seemed to take it well, she didn't give me the evil eye or anything. We talked briefly about our experiences and our kid's experiences. I hadn't realized I'd told her our religious preferences and if we didn't it must be very obvious because she knew. It's cool, she seems pretty hippy to me anyway.
We got new video games so we spent most of Friday devoted to them. There was a great raging storm that night that flooded the streets. Bolts of lightning one after the other pummelled the earth and cleansed the heat away. About 9:30 Elya and Melanie showed up. Saturday was spent shopping and prepping for the baby shower. The circus animal theme was subtle so I didn't mind. The turnout was low but the ones I really wanted to be there were and we had fun making the old fashioned shower games more progressive. Melanie brought a whole bag of door prizes which I ended up with most of and now Keira's crib area looks girlie unlike the blue Pooh stuff we had up before. At midnight we went to see Alien vs Predator and I feel hung over this morning. Too much of a good thing.
Now the kids are driving me nuts.

More Cramps

I cramped all night again last night. Part of me would love to dwell on it and worry but I'm not going to unless I start spotting or my water breaks.
In the meantime I'll assume it has something to do with practice.
Tomorrow is the day that all the walking starts. I wonder what effect that will have on my due date.
Today my mood and motivation sucks. I wish it were Friday. Hell, I wish it were September.

Time is... Highly Annoying.

Sometimes the days seem to drag and sometimes, like today, I have to wonder what I've spent all my time doing. It's 8 and I've been up since six. I got a reasonable amount done but again, here it is 8 o clock and I'm not sure when the day whizzed past.
Yet, at the same, Oct 8th seems so far away. I feel like I'll never get to Delivery Day. I'm so excited to have Keira it makes everything slow down to a crawl.
Time is rushing and crawling at the same time and my days are filled with nothing. I wish I had the money to take up a hobby.

The Middle Child

Dear Arianna,
As it gets closer to the time for your sister to be born you become more of a center to my thoughts. Now you are beautiful and happy, solid in the knowledge that your father and I love you like we could love no other. There may come a day, however, when you are older and more sensitive to the fact that you are a middle child and you may wonder why we never took day after pictures of you when you were born, why there is no baby book or special plaques. It isn't because we love you less, in fact, quite the opposite. You are such a special, magickal part of my life that I spent all my time loveing and holding you and none of my time documenting your first days with us. Your father was so in love with you that he cried all the way home from the hospital after you were born and I even wrote several poems about you.
So as you grow older don't wonder that we love you less, just know that we love you just as much as we love Keira and Donovan. You are no less important and fill no smaller space in our hearts.
My love to you
forever-
Mom

Just Pick Up The Receiver He'll Make You a Believer

Forgot to call my mom today. I know one of these days she'll die and I'll be filled with guilt about not calling her but for now I just don't have the energy to invest in it. She always requires so much emotion of me that I get sick and tired, literally, when she comes over. I'm dreading my own baby shower because I know she will most likely be here. It's supposed to be a nice day for me and I don't want it to be about her as everything else is. I have plenty of time for guilt, the rest of my life, right now is about me.

Notice a Weight Trend?

31 weeks
178lbs
Everything has become ominous to me from my dreams to things people say. The dreams disturb me the most. I guess I always have to worry and dreaming is the least stressful way to do it.
I still haven't gained any weight and now the baby isn't growing either. The midwife says she may just be between growth spurts and wants to wait until 36 weeks before we schedule an ultrasound to check the baby's size. If I'm right I'll have delivered by then anyway. Keira moves frequently and is always a joful reminder. We are considering changing her middle name to Makenzie.

Wanted: A Semi-Sane Babysitter So I Can Drug Myself Up

Woke up this morning with a sore throat and an ear ache. I know it's probably another sinus infection and I can take Benadryl for it but they make me so groggy that the kids could wreck the house and I would never know. I wish I had someone to pawn them off on when I was sick.
Yesterday Donovan started trying to touch the bottom of the seven foot in the pool. He was always under so long I would start to get up only to have him pop up again. I guess it shows I wouldn't trust anyone else to watch them anyway.

The Scramble

I"m exhausted. Mike and I just spent 3 days cleaning and running around getting ready for school and the baby shower next week. Today we had to be done by 8:00 am because they are spraying for bugs. I'll have to haul the cats over from our friend Mark's house when they are done. I'm not looking forward to it. My pregnancy calendar says 8 weeks left. I can't wait.