Lord of the Frogs

Hutch took Mike and the kids out a couple of weeks ago to catch tadpoles. As the tadpoles changed into frogs we moved them to a new container. It was great for the kids because they got to experience, first hand, most of the stages of a frog's life cycle. Well, the taddies were dirty and I had to change their water often- to many tads in such a small space and they smelled really bad so yesterday we took all the tadpoles and all but four of the frogs and released them into a local park with a huge pond. I immediately saw a problem. The frogs were used to spending their days on rocks we put in their bucket so as soon as we dumped them in the pond they all swam to the water's edge and jumped on the embankment. We had raised them in shallow water with fixed perches. We hung around trying to convince them the water was safer but I know the minute we walked away many of them were most likely scooped up by birds. The guilt I felt was enormous and while Dave and Mike tried to convince me that survival instinct would kick in I still felt like I set them up for a massacre. Last night I dreamed of tadpoles in dark black water all night. In the dream all the frogs were gone.

Baby Pains

The pain in my hips and tailbone have subsided. For the most part I can sit and stand comfortably unless I've been still for two long. I wonder how much of that has to do with the pool being closed. It did seem worse after we'd been swimming. Now I'm tender in my belly when Keira moves. I hope I'm just dehydrated and that water makes it go away but if I'm still feeling it in a couple days I'll probably go to the midwife's office for a look-see. I know it's not labor and so I can relax on that count- no spotting and the baby hasn't dropped- but I'm still concerned about what happened to Courtney.

Enabler or Facillitator

I wonder if we are facillitating our neighbor's ability to neglect their children. A nonjudgemental friend is a nice thing if you are doing your best to live your life right but when their lack of judgement upon you leads you to a lazy or corruptive lifestyle is it partially their fault? "The worst thing a man can do is nothing." If I know a woman who would rather buy drugs than provide for her children and I don't say anything about how wrong it is am I basically saying her behavior is ok? Am I justifying her attitude by remaining silent or should I just mind my own business?

And Now For the Talent Portion of Our Show

Ari showed her interest today. For days I've been talking to Mike about extra-curricular activities for the kids and while it was agreed that Donovan would enjoy soccer or tae kwan doe we couldn't imagine putting Ari in a dance class. It just didn't seem her style. We talked about gymnastics but the lifestyle of a gymnist isn't something we want for her. (ie: anorexia and stress to acheive)
Well today she covered her hands and feet in stamp pad ink and did some of the most interesting art on some paper... the carpet... sinks, kitchen floor. I think we've decided it will be art classes for Ari.

Wanted: One Family Sized Clown Car

IT just hit me what a juggling act it's going to take to get two kids to two different schools 8 months pregnant with no car. It's going to be a circus. I'm not sure headstart is every day- it will be a blessing if it's only 2 or 3 days a week. Still I'm not filled with the same tearful panic that usually haunts me- just a resigned fear that I will spend many of my days in stressed out tears. Mike says we will find a way to make it work and I believe him. I wish Milt's money would come through so it's not such an issue.
This morning is cool and beautiful and the hummingbirds are out.

Manic Sunday

The heat broke today. It's cool and windy and strangely quiet. No kids are out playing and the pool is closed. It seems more like a warm winter day than a cool summer one. It makes me think of the days spent in the desert by the holy cross. Alone and free with only the wind to sing to me. I didn't feel lonely, rather I had a sense of contented freedom. These past two days have been happy days. My moods haven't intruded much. The joy felt a little manic and scary at times but most just serene. Watching hummingbirds and cuddling with Mike. The wind sings like an old friend.

Baby Faces

Arianna gets her baby face back when she sleeps. When she is awake there is no resemblence left of her baby form but when she's asleep her cheeks round out and the innocence comes back. She lookes so heartbreakingly beautiful when she sleeps it reminds me of why I wanted Keira so bad. Donovan, on the other hand, always looks like my big boy. I've given up hope of ever seeing his baby face again. At least I have my pictures of them. If Keira continues with the tradition she should be born on the 20th of September. The day after my birthday. I can't wait. 48 days and counting.

Just an Update

31 weeks
178lbs
fundus 29 in
It's official- I can no longer reach my toenails to clip them or paint them. When I sit down Keira pushes against my ribs. My verdict? I'm as big as a house. I go to the midwife today to check my weight and height of fundus and so forth. I also want to get my other weights to add to this journal.
Mike and I have started decoupage and we are really enjoying it. It's a lot of fun. The next box I want to do I want to use Campbell's Tomato soup labels. Mike suggested that I stain them pink and blue ala Andy Warhol and I love the idea. It gives us time together. I'm ready for Keira though.

One Hell of a Ride

It's been a crazy emotional week. Yesterday I cried just because I was hot and tired. A couple of days before that I snapped at Mike for no reason and we had a huge fight. I thought knowing about these hormonal rages would make them easier to pinpoint and deal with but they really aren't. I tried to talk to Mike about why they happen and he was adamant that he didn't know or care why they happened so long as they weren't directed at him from now on.
Melanie came to visit and to plan baby shower stuff. We didn't get much planning done as I was happy to just catch up and there was a lot going on. We ordered pizzas and Emily and Valerie played with the kids. They all had a good time. Melanie wants a circus animal theme and while I'm not partial to circus animal themes I should fit right in as the tent. I'm looking forward to having my friends all in one place. It should be a lot of fun and I hope I get to sit on the couch and do nothing all afternoon. The truth is, the best part of this shower is going to be company. I'm really going to enjoy having someone to talk to. I guess having a little person inside of you doesn't eliminate loneliness completely.

Playing Pontius Pilate

I like to wash my hands. I love the squelchy feel of the soap between my fingers and the way the suds turn grey after a hard days work. I love the cool wash of water over my hands and occassionally I'll scrub them with a brush to slough away all the dead skin and dirt.
I wish life were that easy. Taking a good bar of soap to your hands would solve all the world's problems. Maybe that's how obsessive compulsive people feel. Maybe they believe it will.
I dreamed of Price last night. He was sitting on a bench behind a house in a narrow alley. On either side of him sat Tommy and Nate. They were a perfectly preserved slice of the 7th grade, caught frozen in the future. The neither spoke nor moved, an effigy of my guilt. I rushed up and hugged Price. I miss him so much that is is actively in my mind and heart even thoughI've never dreamed of him. He didn't react to my hug in the dream and someone finally pulled me away from him.
I had a discussion with Mike about it a week ago. I asked if he thought we were destined from the beginning to live our lives as we do or if other people's actions have an impact on our lives. He said he believed both but in my case he thought that Price and Tommy's families were more responsible for their drug abuse and Price's eventual accident than I was.
The truth is, do I really think Tommy would have let me back into his life only to judge and badger him about drug abuse? He knew how I felt, he knew I was opposed. Did he use the break-up as an excuse to avoid me all those years just so I couldn't rag on him about his bad habits?
Does this theory excuse me from guilt? No. I never even bothered to reach out to Price. In my mind he was too loyal to Tommy but what if that isn't true. What if all he needed was someone to show him that they cared? What if he'd had someone else to go to- another shoulder to cry on-when he didn't graduate. I was always so proud of the support system we had in high school but the honest truth is: It Sucked. I failed so many people. So many of my friends didn't have me when they needed me most and that will haunt my soul forever.
I burned so many bridges. I hope I have a couple more lives to make up for it.

There Is No Spoon

Mike and I sat face to face today waiting for his ride to work. As I picked up my cup of cocoa he slid back in the chair and made some noncommital comment about not wanting to get spilled on. With the humiliation of a huge milk fresh in my mind I launched into a tirade about how I don't spill, that the milk had been the first time in a long time and I'm not so clumsy as to dump every drink I handle. Mid-tirade the cup slipped a little and I sloshed cocoa into my lap. Now comes the age old question: If he hadn't said anything would I have still spilled or did his mentioning it lead directly to the spill. The matrix haunts me. He is sure that we had a psychic link right before and he saw it happen. It leaves me with an eerie feeling in the pit of my stomach.
We got the letter last night that Ari is accepted into headstart. I was so excited for her I did a little dance and she went to bed singing what can only be described as "The Excitement Song". No real words, just a couple sing-songy verses of "whooo-hooo!" I'm a little concerned about being able to pick them both up but we will work something out.
I sat down with my novel last night and pounded out three pages. I know it doesn't seem like a lot but that combined with the fact that I'm journaling again and I tried a poem indicates maybe the lull is over. I'm good and I know I'm good- maybe a down payment for a book will ease the stress of waiting for MIlts payday. Of course I'm not expecting to be accepted right away but I have faith.

More Clues

I woke up this morning with sore breasts and lay on the couch, pretty concerned about it for most of the morning. It only hurt when I moved but the pain was sharp and on both sides. I finally went to the bathroom and lifted them to make sure there was no swelling or heat to them as I feared infection. Almost immediately they began to drip with pre-milk. I'm so happy that signs are coming faster and faster. I started a poem for Keira yesterday but I don't like it so I will mull it over for a few days and then start over. I also want to start my list for things to pack in my overnight bag. Keira is coming!

Filling Myself Up

I ended up talking to Mike about the greasy grey, about being lonely and about him spending so much time away. The greasy grey went away almost immediately and due to MIke not feeling good we got to spend 4 lovely days together. Tonight we went swimming and as I chased Ari in the pool I realized how happy I am. The laugh errupted from me like hot rain. Ari and Donovan are so perfect, so beautiful. They fulfill me. Mike is my link to love and life. Keira my connection to what can be. I am whole.

It's Sitting on my Shoulder

178lbs
fundus 27in
How strange that I just talked about the greasy grey and now I can feel it lurking over my shoulder. I can feel the empty vacuum in my chest and as always, Mike is out and about. Everyday this week he's been gone. I wonder if there is some connection. Does he sense to coming of the greasy grey or do I feel the greasy grey when he isn't around. Should I tell him now before it's a full on attack or leave him completely out and try to work it out myself? They all depend on if he knows and is avoiding me because of it. Does he even know he's avoiding me?

My Mom

I missed calling my mom this weekend. No matter what my excuses are it still boils down to me not wanting to rehas old times and not so old times. You can't possibly tell a story that many times to the same person and not remember.
I didn't want to get up this morning and yet here I am. I tell myself I'm creating a morning routine: tidy the kitchen, make Mike breakfast, make myself hot chocolate, scribble in journal then read. That will all be scrambled once school starts. Still, it brings me away from the tv for a bit.

Attack of the Schizos

I wish I could remember the last time I had an attack of the greasy grey. It has been awhile and I wonder if its hormones keeping it away. While I battle the little moodswings on a day to day basis they are usually short lived and easy to recognize. They don't eat at my soul like the big greasy grey. Like everything else, I hope this is a permanent end to the gaping hole, this sick queasy blockage in my chest chakra but with my history of mental instability it probably isn't. At least I can hope for a long vacation from it.

Cold Fire Nights

Last night it felt like we were at the top of the world watching the end of mankind. We were at one of the highest points in town and we had a circular view of the city. We could see every single firework that was set off and it was spectacular. It was also the first time my mind realized that the fireworks represent bombs and canons that killed hundreds of thousands of soldiers. Suddenly, the beauty of the fireworks was cold.

Milk of Human Kindness

We spent the last few days helping an older neighbor of ours move. She had no help and I had been plannning on helping her anyway but it really made it worth it to see some of the worry fade from her face. I can't imagine being all alone and in a position like that with no one to help. Besides which, she is a really nice lady and it fills a space in me to hear her stories and wisdom. It takes the place of grandpa and grandma. She's so sweet and generous it hardly seems like work at all. It's just something that needs to be done.

Dream a Dream of Sixpence, Pocket Full of Rye

I dreamt of Keira last night and she was beautiful. She had chubby angelic cheeks and ebony black curls that framed her piercing amber eyes. She had the eyes of a wolf. She was beautiful and it made me elated to see her. I wonder if mothers and babies share dreams and if so was she there with me, in the dream, looking up at me. Did she see the face that was at the same time, so much a part of her and unviewable. Was she as elated as I was?

Battle of the Generations

I finally lost it today. After a week of fighting with the kids over cleaning rooms, taking naps and other seriously mundane tasks I broke down and cried. I blubbered like an idiot and when Mike came home from work he lost his temper and spanked them both. I just don't know what it takes to get them to take me seriously. It makes me feel impotent and useless. Makes me wonder why I can't control them and what I'm getting myself into having Keira. I don't regret it but it I can't control the two I've got, how will I handle three?

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas

Even though I'm enjoying staying home. Even though I'm amazed and caught unaware at certain moments by how quickly the year flies by...I'm still occasionally filled with a longing for the winter. I miss the cold wet February mornings and the crisp, take your breath away nights. I miss bundling up in socks and sweats and hoodies and hats. I miss waking up in an oh so comfy cocoon of comforters with only the tip of your nose cold and running full tilt to perch atop a cold toliet seat with face scrunched and toes curled. I"m not sure this will be that kind of winter with central heat but with a balcony, I sure can try.