ERG ARG and maybe a little bit of RAWR!

Today is an off day. I'm bored, tired, achy and don't want to do anything. I think it's a combination of too much work yesterday and the huge wind storm thats building on the horizon. Wind gust are supposed to get up to 55mph. That much wind and dust makes me tired, especially when I have to walk in it. On the bright side hubby made a yummy yumm green chile stew last night so I don't have to cook.
Tomorrow I have to go sign Ari up for Headstart. I hope she meets the qualifications cause I really think she needs the interaction of other kids and I think I'll need the peace and quiet my last month of pregnancy. Right now they are rolling around on their skateboards talking baby talk and all I can think is: "I'm in trouble."

Yikes!!!

Most Elaborate Hoax since the Bonsai Kitten: Mr. Lee's Pregnancy

The Guest

A friend of ours ask us to take her boyfriend in because his mother wants to throw him in jail. I was kind of glad to do it. I can't imagine how many bad teens are out there in the world, killing animals, themselves, others and she wants to throw her normal kid in jail for not coming home on time. I really think that most of the problems with today's youth is their parents being lazy or not caring enough or being too stubborn in the old fashion forms of parenting. Why can't these parent's open their eyes and look at the world around them and notice what polite and respectful children they have and just be happy about it. The friend who asked us the favor is herself a friendly outgoing girl who's father has them so tightly under his thumb they aren't allowed to leave the house when he's home. Luckily, he is a trucker and his visits home aren't as often as they could be. Still can't he realize, can't a lot of these parent's realize that their children are beautiful, miraculous, street smart creatures who know the difference between right and wrong?
Goddess give me the strength to know when my kids are capable.

The Waiting Game

Here I am week 16 and the whole thing has become a waiting game. Right now I'm waiting for the baby to kick at week 20 I'm waiting for the ultrasound to tell me if the baby is a girl or boy then the waiting until the false labour begins.
I'm not even halfway there and already the whole experience is all about waiting.
Don't get me wrong, I love being pregnant but it's hard not knowing from day to day what the little tyke is up to.
Gimme a sign!

Feel Better Today

I had a talk with hubby and he apologized for making me feel so awful. I'm back to being on even keel, and money problems seem more like the same old everyday money problems instead of the world ending terror it was yesterday. I might lose internet for a couple days but that's no different from two months ago or 6 months ago.
I'm trying to convince myself that it wasn't a hormonal meltdown because, of course, I want to feel justified in my panic but the farther away it gets, the less real and justifiable it feels.
Damn those irrational periods.

Stress

Yesterday I hugged my husband and he told me to stop because it "made him feel funny". Now I just want to crawl even further in that hole of mine.

Allergy Drug Concerns

A couple days ago I took two allergy/sinus/headache reliever because I was seconds away from pulling my eye from it's socket and now today I find out that one of the main ingredients may cause birth defects/fetal defects. I'm terrified that what I've done is going to ruin my new baby's life. I'm certain that that one moment of weakness has completely removed my baby's chances of a normal happy childhood.
I'm wracked with guilt and I don't want to do anything but sit here and cry. I feel useless.

The Wisdom Of Gypsies

When my son was still young my husband threatened to send him to the gypsies if he was bad. He reacted so violently and desperately that we decided it wasn't a tactic we wanted to use in the future.
Well last night, after our daughter filled the fish tank, yet again, this time with toliet paper, he tried it again. I told him right away I thought it was a bad idea and when he was done terrorizing the kids into thinking we didn't love them I gave him the silent treatment until he took it back and apologized to the kids.
I'm sure everyone has different upbringing. Some people have two loving parents, some have one and some don't have anyone to love them. I think it would be harder on those who do have loving parents to be suddenly told that though we promised to love them forever, we've changed are mind and are selling them to strangers. I can't remember my mother using this form of punishment but I can imagine the sheer terror of knowing that "Tomorrow the gypsies are coming to pick you up."
Makes me think of Bush's "Shock and Awe" tactic of earlier in the war. It didn't get a whole lot done but it sure made him feel important.

Up Up and Away In My Beautiful, My Beautiful Balloon

The kids went for their first hot air ballon ride today and I forgot the camera of course. It'll always be etched in my mind, though, Ari's little fingers gripping the edge of the basket while the other hand pumped wildly, waving down at her speck of a brother on the ground. The balloon was tethered so we went up and up and up and then down and down. She giggled and laughed while Donovan went up and she jumped and shouted pointing at him. He ran toward me when they'd brought him down and they told everyone on the walk home that they'd just been way up in the air. It was so much fun. Tomorrow is easter and even though we don't celebrate the resurrection of jesus we do celebrate the spring and the fertility of it all. Despite our money situation the easter bunny will make an appearance before they kids wake up.
I've stopped feeling like a zoo keeper. Funny, it's always easier on the weekends.

Losing Yourself

I've discovered that as they grow my kids are morphing me. I used to be lightning strider, filled with adventure and strength. I rode the lightning and walked with the storms, I danced in the rain and charged through the open night. Then I became lunablossom, a delicate flower opening up to motherhood for the first time. With my second baby I became lunamuse. She inspired me to be more than just a docile flower and I became a poetess witch. Now with my third child I'm lunamama. I've stopped being free and independent, I've stopped being myself, instead I've become "Donovan's Mom" or even worse "Mike's Wife" and while I detest the fact that I've become these things I perpetuate them by calling other mother's "So and So's Mom" never even bothering to learn their real names. Now that I've known them almost a year I'm embarassed to admit that I don't remember their names. When they call and leave a message I don't return the call, unsure who it is I'm listening to. When we drop off the kids we refer to one another as "This one's mom" or "That one's mom" instead of becoming intimate friends. Those few who I have bothered to learn the names of have drifted away leaving me to wonder why bother. Why bother with learning anything when two months from now they will just be back to "This little piggy's mom."

Emotional Validation

You know, I'd like to break down and cry just once without the family rolling their eyes and blaming it on pregnancy hormones. The kids have been behaving like beasts the past two days and hubby has been at least two hours late every night. Arianna pooped in their bathtub toy bin. So yeah, I'm tired. I'm pissed off, and my feelings are hurt. I'm feeling more like a zoo keeper than a mother.
And all I want is someone to say, "You have a right to be hurt."

Getting The Energy Back

I'm finally starting to get a little of my energy back. I cleaned the whole house this morning except for my room and it's only 10. I think the house in an hour is pretty good, if I may say so myself.
Part of cleaning was dismantling Baybee's cage. I took it all apart and put what I could in the dishwasher and hand cleaned the rest. It hurt to say the least. It was just another finality I'm not ready to deal with. I can't lie and say that the ominous portent of her name hasn't haunted me from the beginnning. I named her Baybee and I've lost her and that makes me wonder if it's an omen about other babies. I've picked this trauma clean. I've gleaned every bit of fear and worry I possible can and now I turn the shiny bleached bones over and over looking for something else I can use to make my life complicated. It's my knack.
The rain has finally ended and I was thrilled the other day when Donovan said "Why do the Gods make it rain so much." I had been concerned about the schools brain washing him with "Under God" every morning, worried that I hadn't been doing my part to explain religion to him. His simple use of the word Gods instead of God made me happy. He's going to grow up believing that there are all kind of Gods to chose from and that no matter what he choses to believe he won't be wrong. And while I'd hate to see the day he tells hubby he's going to be Christian, I feel like I'm learned enough to tell him the good christian beliefs from the Guilt Makers. So for now it's Gods. "The Gods make the rain come because thats what plants need to eat. Plants eat sun and rain."
"Why don't the Gods send sun too, then?"
"They will."
And thats what I have to believe about Baybee, Lunababy and everything else in my life that is going horribly wrong...
The Gods won't forget the sunshine.

A Week Of Losses

I lost my old online journal this weekend. Lost my parakeet. It hurt to have to say goodbye so errevocably both to a part of myself and to such a good friend. All the poetry, all my thoughts and dreams. I guess there are some people out there who still hope it's a temporary problem but I know the site owner probably just gave up and quit.
So here I am starting over again wondering when I'll lose this one and hoping there is someway to put up some pretty pictures. I really need some pretty pictures.
By the way: Here I am mother of two, expecting another in about 6 months. They are the joy of my life.