To Clutter or not to Clutter

I think on of my main problems (not flaws) is that I can never be happy with what I have. I'm always going to want what I see in others. Not really in a monetary way but in other ways. I see a woman with a cluttered kitchen, counter packed with jars and knick knacks and I want that. I get it and I work very hard at being proud of myself but then I meet a woman with a simple, empty, elegant kitchen and I"m suddenly looking for places to stuff all my crap. I"m hoping this is a transitional phase and that I'll outgrow it when I find a kitchen that suits me.

A Painting of the Morning

I got up this morning when the street lights were going off and the mountains were misty like some distant Japanese peaks. The birds sounded exotic as if I were camping and the remnants of last night's rain pattered a drumless beat on the edge of the porch.
It was the alone time I'd craved so much, the peace and promise of the morning broken only by the rumble of the garbage truck and the decadent smell of hot chocolate. Soon it would be too hot and humid but for now...
For now it was my peice of perfection.

There Are No Flaws in the Material of Man

Mike just told me that he doesn't believe people have flaws. He says that material items like glass and fabric have flaws but people don't. They have things they need to work on, things in their lives they can improve but they aren't flaws. In his mind, a flaw is a negative unchangeable attribute. It was a beautiful sentiment and it made me happy to hear him say it. People are not hopelessly flawed, everyone can change for the better, everyone can make their lives better with simple changes. There is nothing in our design that can't be changed for the better. The whole idea echoes my own innocent naive beliefs and makes me wonder- are Mike and I so different after all?

Desert Rain

It rained this evening and I stuck my head under the eaves and let the drops hit my head and shoulders. It felt so good, so cool and the smell of the rain in the earth was so cleansing. There is a special quality to desert rain that lets you see and smell it before it arrives. I've been told it's more the smell of the earth being moistened than the actual rain but it's not quite the same anywhere else I've ever been. California and Florida rain smells like the ocean, Philly rain is flat and senseless, all the joy coming from the sound. Only desert rain has that old familiar smell.

The Comedy Club

175lbs
I panicked when I realized what kind of people we were going to the comedy club with. They smoked a bowl before we left and took drinks with them. The babysitter joined in the fun. I sat on a strange couch and cried because I knew either we would die in an alcohol related accident or something would happen while we were gone. I was frightened and pissed off that Mike would put me in such a shitty situation. Me and Keira. I gripped his hand the whole way there and once we got there I was able to actually relax and have a good time. The comedians were funny. Famous people I'd never heard of. The woman who drove back had a white wine spritzer. I was a little calmer once I realized she wasn't taking shots. Not happy when they smoked another bowl in the tight confines of the car on the way home but I'm now more introspective than afraid.
Not only could they have gotten into a serious accident they could have gotten stopped at one of the many sobriety checkpoints and gotten thrown in jail.
I'm starting to be a big proponant of people acting their age instead of pretending they'll be in high school forever.

The Cost of Making a Baby

I can't help but feel that it's getting down to the final minute even though I have three months left. All the things that need to be done take money and there is so little of that around. I'm lucky to have gotten plenty of clothes and we have a crib and a high chair. The stroller we want is only $160 which we can squeeze out late August early Sept. I can just feel things slipping through my fingers. Usually time seems to drag but now I only have a month before Donovan goes back to school and two before Ari starts. It will be an incredible crunch to get anything done after that.

Donovan's Dental Adventure

We aren't sure what happened but one of Donovan's teeth cracked right in half. It was either something hard he bit into or a fall or bumped mouth. We went to the dentist today and he got a nice shiny cap for the tooth. I'm not happy that it had to be metal but he loves it. They put shots in his cheeks and laughing gas up his nose and numbing paste on his cheeks, gums, and tongue. Then they braced his mouth open, filed down the sharp edges and put the cap on. He seems to be fine now, everything has worn off. I felt bad not knowing what happened.

Arianna the Silent

Arianna makes me so angry. She has taken to clamming up when someone asks her a question. Whether she's done something wrong or not. She clams up and refuses to say a thing. It pushes me right from frustration to rage and anger. She just had something in her mouth and I asked what she was eating. She refused to answer me and I spanked her I got so angry. I have no idea if she was eating pills or garbage or cat shit! I have no idea what she ate. I just made amends with her and I hope it will make it easier the next time.

Keira the Obediant

Last night I put the kids to bed early and lay in the quiet listening to Keira's heartbeat. Instead of calming me like I expected she exhilerated me. It made me so happy to feel her moving inside me. Mike calls out "kick her" and Keira does exactly what she's told. I know she's going to be perfect and beautiful. She will be another bright shining light in my life. I'm starting to think of packing bags and touring birthing units, making my birthing plan and shopping for baby stuff.
I'm getting excited.

Acting Out

I'm concerned for Ari. She has begun pooping everywhere but in the toliet. Last night was in the bathtub. She can't tell us why she's doing it. I suggested a psychologist but Mike doesn't want to. I'm making a doctor's appointment for her 4 year shots and we'll be able to discuss it with the doctor then. True to my motherly nature I'm panicking. Could it be petit mal seizures? Could she have developmental problems? Mike thinks she is acting out because of the baby but she seems so happy about Keira, I can't imagine.

Creepy

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night to a woman screaming for help. I woke Mike up and went to the window. I saw a girl walking away from the building, nonchalant, no panic or excitement visible in her demeanor. She glanced over her shoulder once as if to make sure no one was following or watching her before fading into the darkness. All of this happened before Mike got to the window. He didn't see anyone and hadn't heard anything. I almost had myself convinced that it had been a dream but when I peeked out the window this morning the screen from the window in the downstairs apartment had been pushed out. Now all day I've been waiting to hear some news from the cops or some other source that someone had been attacked downstairs. I keep waiting for the girl to walk by, for her to pull some Gothika shit on me.
I'm jumpy to say the least.
Ari's party was a pure success. She loved all of her presents and had fun playing in the dirt, swimming and frolicking with friends. My mom was bearable and didn't embarrass me too much. She had too black eyes and one of her teeth is rotting right out of her head. It was startling and scary. She invited me to Thanksgiving dinner which gives me hope because at least now she believes she will live until Nov. Her levels jump up and down like they are on some demonic pogo stick (cue system of a down) and everytime she finds out they've gone down she gets her hopes up which in turn gets mine up.
No news on the money from Mike's dad yet, I've kind of given up hope on that too. All I've got left is Keira and the fact that Ari might get into headstart.

Editting the Invite List

As hard as I've been fighting for my mother to show Ari equal affection I'm kind of hoping she won't show up tomorrow. The thought of having to deal with her all day makes me tired and physically ill. Actually dealing with her makes it that much worse. I'm hoping that playing host will keep me from her but I know she will do something to gain constant attention. It makes me angry. Tomorrow is Ari's day and I know somehow, someway, mom will make it about her. She will show up here empty handed and then spend three hours trying her damndest to steal the limelight from her own granddaughter.

That Smell

This morning I got up at 6 with Mike to clean the house for the party tomorrow and I started with the porch because the dawn was calling me. It had a certain scent to it, an undefinable camping or vacation smell. I realized all summer mornings probably smell the same but I only get up early enough to catch the dawn scent when we are camping or on vacation. It smelled like happy.

Yeah. Time Flies

Tomorrow's another Friday.

Something in a Magazine

I don't remember what I was reading. That's the worst part. Whatever it was was so important that I didn't hear the first or the second time Donovan shouted "she's sinking". I don't remember diving in. I don't remember swimming over. I just remember lifting Ari out of the water and how she coughed with that surprised look on her face. I just remember her clinging to me crying and how Keira kicked in panic and my legs quivered with fear. I don't remember what I was reading or why it was so interesting.

The June Conundrum

Ari's birthday is Saturday. Rather her party is. It frustrates me that we don't have enough money to have a good party and good presents. It feels like even though Donovan's party is at the same time as our anniversary and valentines day, there is always plenty of money for it and even though there aren't any holidays near Ari's it's always a struggle. Why is that?

"Before Enlightenment you chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment you chop wood and carry water." -Buddist Proverb

In the long run... and even short term- it's the little things that count. I hear the kid's laughter and even though they ignored the order to take a nap an hour ago I can't yell at them because their laughter is so beautiful to my ears. Tomorrow I'll have to continue yelling and nagging. Tomorrow I continue being Mom but for now...
Just listening is enough.

"It's a New Dawn, It's a New Day, And I'm Feelin' Good."

Another weekend. It feels like this pregnancy is flying by. It feels like time is so fleeting. Still, it's a good thing because I couldn't dream of waiting much longer for little Keira to be in my arms. Soft, gentle, smellin all sweet.
Mike and Milt both expect the decision for the lawsuit to be in any day. It would be nice to have the extra money when she'd born. It would be a great lift to some of the worries that all new parents have. It would be nice but my hopes aren't up.

"We're All a Mess of Contradictions. Dying Doesn't Change That." -Judging Amy

I cleaned the kitchen until 3am this morning and somewhere in the darkness, in the quiet, I realized I was wrong to be angry at Mike. I made him lunch and left him a sticky on the mirror telling him I loved him and was sorry.
I'm going to try and talk to him tonight about hormones and how I just need time to come to the realization that thats what is motivating my mood. I wonder if this new found awareness will continue after I have Keira and will it force me to second guess my valid bad moods.

I'm Gonna Kill That Glove

Day six of everyone throwing up around me and my sudden intolerance for meat products becomes clear. 5 days of half digested zitti and now hamburger helper that has taken on a pink tinge and resembles potted meat. Horsemeat. Of all the days of vomit I've had I have to conclude that Ari gets the award for the most noxious. I almost heaved myself having dined only on plain pasta.
I need help! That's the long and the short of it. The kids wear on my nerves to the point where I need to escape and then someone else gets sick. Mike was out most of the night getting tattoo work done and when I asked him to go to the store and buy some food his excuse of being too tired sent me through the roof. It seemed unfair that he should be able to trade whatever he wants for 5 hours of tattoo work but when I want cereal it's a federal case. I tried to talk to him about it but he left the room mid sentence. I went to bed mad and my penance was not only an awful case of leg cramps but now Ari's vomit haunts the house like a noxious spirit. I will have to apologize to mike but that doesn't solve the fact that I'm so alone.

Did You Know Funerals Can Be Over A Week Long?

President Reagan died. I was a kid when he was in office and now three presidents later it makes me feel rather old to hear about the end of his life. And while there is certainly no love lost between us I find it discouraging to watch so many great and powerful people, intelligent people, humbled by death and senility in my lifetime. One minute able to run a whole country the next unable to remember his wife and children. So many, from strangers such as President Reagan to family such as my paternal and maternal grandfathers. Even my own mother.

Kill Your TV Man

I find more and more of my life is run by my cable stations. I know I should fill my life with my kids and my faith; reading and my writing but my motivation is at zero. I keep telling myself that as soon as the baby is born it will be different. I'll go to the gym and get up early but I remember the strained, exhausted days following Donovan and Ari's birth and I'm worried I'm becoming some kind of house wife monster that watches soap operas and schedules meals around Montel or Jerry Springer.

"Water can flow or it can crash...Be water my friend." Bruce Lee

The pain has begun. Sharp shooting pain in my tail bone and hips, burning aches across the top of my tummy and spasms that lock up my knees and legs. Part of me is worried that I've done something to compromise my pregnancy. The other half tells me not to worry, that these are all the half-remembered aches of labor, my body preparing itself to deliver Keira safely into the world. There has been no spotting or other prelabor symptoms but the cramps in my back and stomach make me worry that maybe something is not quite right.
Music: Stereo Fuse- "Super Hero"