Chinese Take Out

Today was a Sunday. We slept in late and had really really great sex then cuddled with the kids. We ordered tons of Chinese take out and pigged out before going back to bed and snuggling up for a nice long nap. Now we are chilling out waiting for the Sopranos to come on.
It makes me calm; no visitors, no reason to get dressed or answer the phone. I feel complete and relaxed. I don't miss myself. I don't miss him. We are one.

Much Better Now

174lbs
The rain has stopped and my mood is much better. I knew, after two pregnancies, that the backache was due to not enough water. Now that the fridge is fully stocked with water, juice and milk I"m sure the backache will ease.
This morning I heard the baby's heartbeat with the bebesounds for the first time. It made the day seem brighter. Then Ari came in and cuddled with me and that set the tone for the rest of the day.
Music: Red House Painters- "All Mixed Up"

Average Everyday Sane Psycho

I'm in a horrible mood today. I feel on edge and unhappy. The weather has been too cool to swim the last couple of days and today it's raining. I guess I feel trapped. I asked Mike to get milk on his way home and he told me no. It put me off even more and then Donovan complained about lunch. The smell of the rain and a nice full belly have helped a little.
Tomorrow we visit the midwife but everything's become so routine that some of the excitement is missing. I hope she'll be able to help me find the heatbeat with my Bebesounds. We put some headphones against my belly and let Keira listen to some music. Some classical stuff like Bethoven and Bach. She seemed to enjoy it a lot. I had planned to try it again tonight but Mike will be home late and he seems distant lately. I think work tires him out. Work. Life. I've been where he is. He counts down the days until we are self sufficient enough for him to quit. I miss him. I count the days as well.

The Winner Is?

Friday I had my ultrasound. It was surprising to me that I wasn't more excited but when the time came and I had been told it was a girl I cried and my heart filled with joy. Even though I wanted a boy I was sure it was a girl and the confirmation that I have such a close bond with her is exhilerating. We've decided to name her Keira Rhiannon. I'm excited to start buying clothes for her as most of the clothes Courtney brought over are definitely boy clothes. Ari doesn't seem overly excited she got her way but D asked if, when the time came, he could teach Keira to rise a bike. I'm very proud of them both.

Fear and Sadness

I feel awful today. I'm not sure why, whether it was a dream or being woken up last night from a sound sleep or a combination of the two. It makes me even more angry that I can't stop the tears and sadness when my family so clearly needs me to be happy. I try putting on a brave face but wonder if the effort just makes it worse. Mike thinks its something he's done. I don't know how to show him it's not.

Kindergarten Class of 2004

Today Donovan graduates from kindergarten. So far it hasn't hit me. I think the first time I see him in his little cap with his little diploma I'll fall apart. On Friday we find out if the baby is a girl of a boy. A friend dropped off all the clothes from the baby she lost. I felt bad but pretended it was just another day, another bag of hand-me-downs. I wonder if it was cathartic for her to just be done with it so she can move on with her life. On the other hand, she procrastinated for so lond maybe it was tricky.
Out guest got the good news that he is not breaking probation being away from home. I think it's a huge weight off his chest. I"m happy he might finally be getting a break.

Hi! I'm Luna and my mother is nuts

It's a rare thing for a person to go through most of their lives before they realize how thoroughly their parents have messed them up. I realized it the other day and cried. It was a rough day and at 11:45pm she showed up, waking me from a sound sleep. Apparently she's better and will now live to a ripe old age. It frustrates me that of all days she could break the news that she's found some miracle cure, she picks the day when I'm trying to work through being the adult child of an alcoholic. Trying to convince myself I'm not co-dependent or worse yet, an enabler. I think in the end I've decided to keep the disbelief. I'm holding it close to me and using it as a buffer between me and the emotion. It has helped that life is a blur since then because I got sick almost immediately. 4 days later and I"m still trying to find the right balance.
Last night I got up because I thought one of the kids was sick. I heard one of them coughing so I got up and poked my head through the door. I heard Ari talking to someone. I thought maybe she was having a late night tete a' tete with our guest Ben. I pulled on some clothes and came out into the hallway but everyone was asleep. I know I heard a little girl's voice. I know she was talking to someone. I wonder if it was a ghost. I complained a lot about the old apartment being a psychic void with no left over energy at all but I'm not sure I'm ready for voices. I'm wondering if it wasn't just a really vivid dream. I can't remember if I locked the door when I came back to the bedroom but this morning it was locked. COuld it have been a dream or a visitation of someone who wanted more attention that we are giving her. I wish more than anything that I could know, for sure, what actually happened.

The many faces of Ari

Ari has become a tricky little girl. She doesn't listen and is very independent, insisting she get her own food and fasten her own seatbelt. I'm not sure if it's the new baby on the way or just a phase. If it is the baby I'm not sure what to do about it. All I can do is show her all the love for her I possess. She makes me so proud and she will never be the "middle child".

Baby Names

Hubby doesn't like to talk about baby names. Everytime I bring it up he gets irritable and refuses to discuss the topic on the grounds that it's "too early" or that he just doesn't care. Sometimes I wonder if I've inadvertantly hurt his feelings about something. Or maybe he never really wanted this baby and talking about it is just a reminder.

Early Mother's Day

What a wonderful early mother's day I've had. I got a foot spa, an electric razor and a beautiful little apothecaries cabinet. We are about to go out to breakfast and spirits are high, makes me wonder how much is love and how much is having money in the account and bills paid.