Samhain Cometh

The fog came in last night like a living thing. One minute you could see and the next minute it blanketed the world. I remembered saying I would miss the fog when I left Philly and now, 3 years later I finally get it back. It's finally cold though only at night. It makes me happy: the chill air, the smell of woodsmoke, pumpkins, hay rides, and scarecrows.
Keira is growing like a weed and now she only wakes me up twice a night. She's so beautiful, I'm excited for the time when she looks at me and actually sees me.
On the other hand the little one I babysit for is driving me to distraction, crying all day for no reason. His mother restricts his food and wants me to give him juice instead of formula. I feel like I'm out of my league. I don't know how to tell her she needs to find someone else, though. And I hate to feel like a failure by quitting. On the other hand, if I wanted four kids, I'd get pregnant again.

It's Noon And The Direct Deposit Still Isn't In The Account

I will not flip out. I will not flip out. I will not flip out. I will not flip out. I will not flip out. I will not flip out. I will not flip out. I will not flip out. I will not flip out. I will not flip out... I won't

Am I Becoming A Stay At Home Mom Snob?

I have issues with moms who neglect their children for whatever reasons. Leave a diaper on for 15 hours, Stuff another bottle in his mouth, no bath for a week, no clean clothes, neglecting medicine.
It kills me that a woman can't take the three minutes it takes to provide your child with the same comforts you provide yourself. Why do people like that have children? Why do... How do mothers ignore their children until they've become some fat little snivelling day care monster that will only eat sugary fruits and sucks down formula like it's running out?

One Month

Mmmmm Yummy

Well Ain't That Just The Pot Calling The Kettle A Glutton For Punishment

There's something evil about sweating your ass off in October. I knew I was asking for it when i moved back but this is ridiculous. How is one supposed to be a goth witch when it's 85 degrees outside?
I put in an application at Hot Topic to work weekends. The manager seemed impressed with my application. The girl I talked to said I was a shoo-in. That was Saturday.
Today I volunteered to baby sit an 8 month old Monday-Friday. I'm not sure yet but I think I'm getting in over my head. The money should start pouring in but is it really worth 4 kids, a husband and a job?

Tempest Smith, Old News Still in the Hearts of Wiccans

I came across this link on my pagan parenting board. Tempest Smith's suicide will determine a great many things in the up coming years one of which will be pagan parents choice on whether or not to raise their children on a pagan path.
It doesn't change my mind. My kids will still be raised on a pagan path until they're old enough to make their own decision but I know there will be a big difference between my kids and Tempest Smith, I'll be there for my kids if they ever get bullied. They will have someone to talk to and they won't ever have to hide their feelings from me.
They won't ever have to hide anything...
Least of all their pain.

Shame On You Victoria Gotti

I realized early this morning that I may be the last of a great generation. Victoria Gotti has her own reality TV series and I realized, watching her fly across the screen in her big boobed way, with her hair gel freak sons that no one younger than me is going to know who John Gotti was. What a giant he was or how much he probably rolls in his grave at what Victoria has turned the family into.
This great mafia godfather would probably be training the Gotti boys to run the "business" and instead she's got them fighting over hair gel on national TV. Oh how the mighty have fallen, good thing their hair never will.

Mastitis

I woke up this morning with a horrible case of mastitis in my left breast. Flu like symptoms including a really high fever and sharp shooting pains in my head. The pain in my breast is nothing compared to the pain in my head, it's like an ice pick.
Dr. Deb gave me antibiotics and promised it would go away in twenty four hours.
My mom called later on and asked if she could come back for a couple more days. I told her no. I was honest and told her I didn't think it was fair that I had to take care of three kids, on a newborn and her. I know she was hurt and I felt guilty but I have to keep my sanity. I can't afford to hate her.

The Wiccaning

It was quick and furtive, not like the grand rituals you see on TV but quiet. Just Mike, Keira, and I on a dark city street. I said a quick prayer and marked a pentacle on her forehead before passing her through the arms of the tree that the kids and I had picked out months ago. The kids have dubbed it, "Our Beautiful Tree". A scrappy little mulberry with mistletoe growing on it. The tree always has the coolest shade. So, it was there that my youngest was given her temporary magickal name until she comes of age.
I almost cried.

Ain't No Cure For The Summertime Blues

I wish I knew what was bothering Donovan. He's been so quiet the last two days and though I've asked him on several occasions he insists that nothings wrong. I would like to bring back that happy go lucky kid, trade him in for the quiet introspective one who prefers to stare out the window at the rising sun than to play cars.
He's got a deeply old spiritual soul and I knew one day I would see the proof positive of it but he still has so much little kid time, I hope he doesn't give any of that up.

Company is Like Fish, It Goes Bad After Two Days

My mother's welcome is wearing thin. There's only so much of her adult baby act I can take. She's spoiled, plain and simple. Won't eat her apple unless it's peeled a certain way, won't eat dinner until she's had a popsicle. It interferes with my life and with the rules I've set down for my children. I have final proof that I'm the adult in the relationship. How my father has made it this long is beyond me. I can't help but wonder what I will say next time she asks for an extended visit. Chances are pretty good that it won't be a quick yes like this time.

Fall Comes Creeping

It was really cool today, as if fall was reaching out with delicate tendrils to test our willingness to succum- to give up the long hard summer. The drought is causing the leaves to turn yellow and fall, another mockery of fall that should never be, but will be followed by evermore 90+ degree days. I long for the cool fall evenings, the smell of burning leaves in the air and the day light savings mornings with frost on the window.
I got a beautiful autumn orange sweater for my birthday and now I long for a reason to wear it. I can't wait for the peace of a day unhindered by the hum of fan or air conditioner.

Happy Birthday to Meeee!!!!

I'm 28 years old today. I"m in a good space for a 28 year old; three beautiful kids, a happy marriage. I can do anything I want now, finish my novel, go back to school, get a job or stay at home with Keira. I don't have any regrets. I don't have any of the usual creeping-up-on-thirty-wish-I'd-dones.
I'm going to treat myself to a belly button peircing as a belated birthday present. Less as a last hurrah than it would seem. I don't feel old. I"m not gonna act old. I"m not going to panic and run around acting like a 28 year old trying to be 19. I'm just going to act like a 28 year old having fun.

All The Nuts Roll Down Hill

My mom's coming to spend a week with us. I know by the time she leaves I"ll be crazy but for now I'm looking forward to it. She's coming to get away from the delusions that someone is living in their upstairs bedroom. She swears my father is having an affair with that someone. She'd called this woman's husband and called the police on her. The other day she finally asked me to find a psychiatrist for her. At least she'd getting to the point where she realizes she's crazy. I know it must be painful for her to admit it to herself. It's painful for me.

Getting Over the Shock

I feel detatched somehow. Like I'm just going through the motions of life and any day now life will get back to "normal". Maybe its me not getting enough sleep or maybe it's the onslaught of a cold or post-partum deppression. Either way, most of the time I feel like I'm just dreaming. I have no interest in TV or internet, no interest in reading or going out of anything else. I'm not unhappy thought. I'm just content to sit for hours and hold the baby.
Sometimes I watch the weather channel just so it will lull me to sleep.

Adventures of the Yellow Keira-Bean

Today was Keira's one weeks check-up and the doc was a little concerned with her jaundice. We went to the lab to get her bilirubins drawn and they were at a 16. For levels of 15 and higher they suggest phototherapy treatment. 18 or more and they baby gets put into the hospital. So, Keira is sleeping in a bright teal phototherapy blanket. She looks like a little glow worm. The blanket is called a "Wallaby Blanket" but we've taken to calling everyone and everything involved "Billy." She'll stay wrapped for three days and they'll recheck her levels everyday. My daughter's poor feet.

The Most Excruciating Pain Ever

My breasts are killing me. It makes me realize why I usually end up bottle feeding. I get to the point where I can't take the pain anymore then give the kid a bottle of formula to give my breasts "a break". Then I"m producing less milk and breast feeding is hurting more. One bottle becomes two becomes three. "It hurts to breast feed, why bother?" or "At least I held out for the first few days." Well, this time I'm in it for the long haul. I can stand child birth then I can hack the breastfeeding... Right?

And Then The Guilt Sets In

I feel guilty for not being able to help out around the house. Mike says I've just had a baby but my brain says the only pain I'm really feeling is regular old period cramps and a sore belly button.
I still get tired really easily.
I still stay up all night with Keira.
And I still feel really guilty about not being able to help.
Keira was a dream all day. I know it means I'll be up all night.

First Night Home

Last night was a tough night. We didn't sleep at all because Keira had a tummy ache we couldn't get rid of. Trying to sleep between sessions of feeding and crying was too much work so I stayed up. We are napping on and off today but I'm afraid it's ruining any chance we may have had at a sleep schedule. In the end I had to chose and sleep just seemed more important at the time.
My cramping is still bad and I'm popping Tylenol so often I'll have an ulcer by her first birthday but both the sciatica and joint pain are both mysteriously gone.

Then My Water Broke

Two days ago- at about 7:20pm my water broke. I'd just gotten done reading with Donovan and stood up to get everyone ready for dinner when it broke. Mike didn't believe me, thought I was testing him. We called the midwife and were on our way. There was a little scramble to find care for the kids but then we were able to just sit back and enjoy labor. I dilated and effaced quickly and the midwife was very attentive, rubbing my back and asking questions. It was totally different from all my other experiences. I decided to try sitting in the tub to alleviate some of the pain. I had two contractions in the water before I decided I couldn't wait. We called the midwife back in and two more contractions later, less than five minutes, Keira Makenzie was on my belly and Mike was cutting the cord. We never did make it out of the bath but it was so awesome. It's the birthing experience every woman should have. The midwife stuck around and showed me the umbilical cord and the placenta and answered my questions. Then I got to feed Keira. She was so perfect, so beautiful.
That night Keira slept through the night and the next day I was awakened from a sound sleep by my surgical team ready to take me to my tubal ligation. They asked me a couple of questions then gave me a drug that made me forget everything.
When I woke up I couldn't feel my legs. After the spinal didn't work they apparently put me under general anesthesia. Afterwards they followed that up with two doses of morphine and a motrin. The pain then became bearable. Keira had her first pictures taken and we had a good night of feeding.
Today we were discharged and got to come home. Our diet and meal schedules are off and because I was stubborn and went grocery shopping with the family my belly is cramping but we are adjusting well to being home. The kids love her and spend a lot of their time kissing and hugging her. Michael can't get enough of her and I'm just glad she'd finally in my arms.
Hopefully next week we will get back on schedule and things will get easier. So,
Keira Makenzie Block
Born 9/7/04 9:44 pm
6lbs 10oz 19 in long