Tempest Smith, Old News Still in the Hearts of Wiccans

I came across this link on my pagan parenting board. Tempest Smith's suicide will determine a great many things in the up coming years one of which will be pagan parents choice on whether or not to raise their children on a pagan path.
It doesn't change my mind. My kids will still be raised on a pagan path until they're old enough to make their own decision but I know there will be a big difference between my kids and Tempest Smith, I'll be there for my kids if they ever get bullied. They will have someone to talk to and they won't ever have to hide their feelings from me.
They won't ever have to hide anything...
Least of all their pain.

Shame On You Victoria Gotti

I realized early this morning that I may be the last of a great generation. Victoria Gotti has her own reality TV series and I realized, watching her fly across the screen in her big boobed way, with her hair gel freak sons that no one younger than me is going to know who John Gotti was. What a giant he was or how much he probably rolls in his grave at what Victoria has turned the family into.
This great mafia godfather would probably be training the Gotti boys to run the "business" and instead she's got them fighting over hair gel on national TV. Oh how the mighty have fallen, good thing their hair never will.

Mastitis

I woke up this morning with a horrible case of mastitis in my left breast. Flu like symptoms including a really high fever and sharp shooting pains in my head. The pain in my breast is nothing compared to the pain in my head, it's like an ice pick.
Dr. Deb gave me antibiotics and promised it would go away in twenty four hours.
My mom called later on and asked if she could come back for a couple more days. I told her no. I was honest and told her I didn't think it was fair that I had to take care of three kids, on a newborn and her. I know she was hurt and I felt guilty but I have to keep my sanity. I can't afford to hate her.

The Wiccaning

It was quick and furtive, not like the grand rituals you see on TV but quiet. Just Mike, Keira, and I on a dark city street. I said a quick prayer and marked a pentacle on her forehead before passing her through the arms of the tree that the kids and I had picked out months ago. The kids have dubbed it, "Our Beautiful Tree". A scrappy little mulberry with mistletoe growing on it. The tree always has the coolest shade. So, it was there that my youngest was given her temporary magickal name until she comes of age.
I almost cried.

Ain't No Cure For The Summertime Blues

I wish I knew what was bothering Donovan. He's been so quiet the last two days and though I've asked him on several occasions he insists that nothings wrong. I would like to bring back that happy go lucky kid, trade him in for the quiet introspective one who prefers to stare out the window at the rising sun than to play cars.
He's got a deeply old spiritual soul and I knew one day I would see the proof positive of it but he still has so much little kid time, I hope he doesn't give any of that up.

Company is Like Fish, It Goes Bad After Two Days

My mother's welcome is wearing thin. There's only so much of her adult baby act I can take. She's spoiled, plain and simple. Won't eat her apple unless it's peeled a certain way, won't eat dinner until she's had a popsicle. It interferes with my life and with the rules I've set down for my children. I have final proof that I'm the adult in the relationship. How my father has made it this long is beyond me. I can't help but wonder what I will say next time she asks for an extended visit. Chances are pretty good that it won't be a quick yes like this time.

Fall Comes Creeping

It was really cool today, as if fall was reaching out with delicate tendrils to test our willingness to succum- to give up the long hard summer. The drought is causing the leaves to turn yellow and fall, another mockery of fall that should never be, but will be followed by evermore 90+ degree days. I long for the cool fall evenings, the smell of burning leaves in the air and the day light savings mornings with frost on the window.
I got a beautiful autumn orange sweater for my birthday and now I long for a reason to wear it. I can't wait for the peace of a day unhindered by the hum of fan or air conditioner.

Happy Birthday to Meeee!!!!

I'm 28 years old today. I"m in a good space for a 28 year old; three beautiful kids, a happy marriage. I can do anything I want now, finish my novel, go back to school, get a job or stay at home with Keira. I don't have any regrets. I don't have any of the usual creeping-up-on-thirty-wish-I'd-dones.
I'm going to treat myself to a belly button peircing as a belated birthday present. Less as a last hurrah than it would seem. I don't feel old. I"m not gonna act old. I"m not going to panic and run around acting like a 28 year old trying to be 19. I'm just going to act like a 28 year old having fun.

All The Nuts Roll Down Hill

My mom's coming to spend a week with us. I know by the time she leaves I"ll be crazy but for now I'm looking forward to it. She's coming to get away from the delusions that someone is living in their upstairs bedroom. She swears my father is having an affair with that someone. She'd called this woman's husband and called the police on her. The other day she finally asked me to find a psychiatrist for her. At least she'd getting to the point where she realizes she's crazy. I know it must be painful for her to admit it to herself. It's painful for me.

Getting Over the Shock

I feel detatched somehow. Like I'm just going through the motions of life and any day now life will get back to "normal". Maybe its me not getting enough sleep or maybe it's the onslaught of a cold or post-partum deppression. Either way, most of the time I feel like I'm just dreaming. I have no interest in TV or internet, no interest in reading or going out of anything else. I'm not unhappy thought. I'm just content to sit for hours and hold the baby.
Sometimes I watch the weather channel just so it will lull me to sleep.

Adventures of the Yellow Keira-Bean

Today was Keira's one weeks check-up and the doc was a little concerned with her jaundice. We went to the lab to get her bilirubins drawn and they were at a 16. For levels of 15 and higher they suggest phototherapy treatment. 18 or more and they baby gets put into the hospital. So, Keira is sleeping in a bright teal phototherapy blanket. She looks like a little glow worm. The blanket is called a "Wallaby Blanket" but we've taken to calling everyone and everything involved "Billy." She'll stay wrapped for three days and they'll recheck her levels everyday. My daughter's poor feet.

The Most Excruciating Pain Ever

My breasts are killing me. It makes me realize why I usually end up bottle feeding. I get to the point where I can't take the pain anymore then give the kid a bottle of formula to give my breasts "a break". Then I"m producing less milk and breast feeding is hurting more. One bottle becomes two becomes three. "It hurts to breast feed, why bother?" or "At least I held out for the first few days." Well, this time I'm in it for the long haul. I can stand child birth then I can hack the breastfeeding... Right?

And Then The Guilt Sets In

I feel guilty for not being able to help out around the house. Mike says I've just had a baby but my brain says the only pain I'm really feeling is regular old period cramps and a sore belly button.
I still get tired really easily.
I still stay up all night with Keira.
And I still feel really guilty about not being able to help.
Keira was a dream all day. I know it means I'll be up all night.

First Night Home

Last night was a tough night. We didn't sleep at all because Keira had a tummy ache we couldn't get rid of. Trying to sleep between sessions of feeding and crying was too much work so I stayed up. We are napping on and off today but I'm afraid it's ruining any chance we may have had at a sleep schedule. In the end I had to chose and sleep just seemed more important at the time.
My cramping is still bad and I'm popping Tylenol so often I'll have an ulcer by her first birthday but both the sciatica and joint pain are both mysteriously gone.

Then My Water Broke

Two days ago- at about 7:20pm my water broke. I'd just gotten done reading with Donovan and stood up to get everyone ready for dinner when it broke. Mike didn't believe me, thought I was testing him. We called the midwife and were on our way. There was a little scramble to find care for the kids but then we were able to just sit back and enjoy labor. I dilated and effaced quickly and the midwife was very attentive, rubbing my back and asking questions. It was totally different from all my other experiences. I decided to try sitting in the tub to alleviate some of the pain. I had two contractions in the water before I decided I couldn't wait. We called the midwife back in and two more contractions later, less than five minutes, Keira Makenzie was on my belly and Mike was cutting the cord. We never did make it out of the bath but it was so awesome. It's the birthing experience every woman should have. The midwife stuck around and showed me the umbilical cord and the placenta and answered my questions. Then I got to feed Keira. She was so perfect, so beautiful.
That night Keira slept through the night and the next day I was awakened from a sound sleep by my surgical team ready to take me to my tubal ligation. They asked me a couple of questions then gave me a drug that made me forget everything.
When I woke up I couldn't feel my legs. After the spinal didn't work they apparently put me under general anesthesia. Afterwards they followed that up with two doses of morphine and a motrin. The pain then became bearable. Keira had her first pictures taken and we had a good night of feeding.
Today we were discharged and got to come home. Our diet and meal schedules are off and because I was stubborn and went grocery shopping with the family my belly is cramping but we are adjusting well to being home. The kids love her and spend a lot of their time kissing and hugging her. Michael can't get enough of her and I'm just glad she'd finally in my arms.
Hopefully next week we will get back on schedule and things will get easier. So,
Keira Makenzie Block
Born 9/7/04 9:44 pm
6lbs 10oz 19 in long

Witch Capital of the World

Sometimes someone will say something and it will get in your head and curl up and whisper things to you until it is suddenly a good idea. Then you obsess over it until it becomes a great idea. As time goes by it becomes so important it's all you've ever wanted and the only thing that can make you happy.
Last night Mike suggested we move to Salem Mass. We checked out population and weather, home prices and schools and now it's stuck in my head as a good idea.
I think I'd like Salem. It's near the ocean.

Magical Belly Rub

The biggest thing I'll miss about being pregnant is the random kisses, pats and hugs my belly gets. Donovan stops me and gives me little kisses and Ari smoothes lotion on my belly and sings Keira songs. Mike will hold his breath and look at my shirt expectantly until I expose my belly and then he will cuddle up to it and kiss it and tell Keira how much he loves her. Even though I know the love is being sent to her it still makes me happy. It makes me feel special. I'll miss the extra touching that brings me closer to all of them.

The Finish Line

My midwife wasn't much of a help. I haven't dilated any more and I'm not sure how much time I have. She says I could go tonight or I could have weeks left. The only thing she knew for sure is that I won't make it to my due date. Well duh! I could have told you that. We got the truth though- If the baby is born this weekend she will be perfectly all right and with my rapidly growing fundus she may be huge. My biggest issue is getting over this constant exhaustion and weakness. That and I can't wait to have her in my arms.

The Peace Of Wild Things

When despair grows in me
and I wake in the middle of the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting for their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
-Wendell Berry

Family Confidences

180lbs
38cm fundus
I had major cramping again last night. We had an open house at Donovan's school and thought that I could make it home on foot. The cramps were excruciating- so bad that I couldn't get my feet to move.
I have been sucking down water like it's out of style but they don't seem to be hydration related anymore. Today I have a midwife appt. I hope she'll be able to tell me if I'm dilated any more. At least I know if I'm two or three cm dilated I'll be going sooner rather than later.
I finally told my brother today that I thought he was the lucky one to have lost his mother early to hep c as opposed to the slow torture I'm going through. Mom called last night to tell me she has ten years left to live though I know next week it will be back down to "anytime now". I'm not sure we (dad and I) can handle 10 years of senility. We are having a hard enough time now and I'm not sure watching someone you love go mad is something you get used to. My brother says when her time does come I'll be thankful for the extra time I got to spend with her.

False Alarm

Last night we went out to dinner and I started cramping. I may have had some spotting but I"m not sure. I've been waiting for my water to break since then. Mike doesn't think it was spotting and he doesn't think I'm ready to go into labor. I think he's probably right sine the fetal movement is still active and I haven't smelled the smell I experienced when my water broke with Ari and Donovan. This week is dragging by. Fridays used to fly by and now I'm not sure if I can make it to the next one.

Twins

Today was Ari's first full half day of school. She loved it. I enjoyed the time alone as well.
Donovan's already got another tooth growing to replace the one he lost and one to replace the one he hasn't lost yet. He's is turning out to be such a fine man.
I just found out that a friend of mine is having twins. I'm so thrilled for her. She has waited so long for this and now she'll be doubly blessed. I'm not surprised she's having twins though- I've heard fertility drugs will do that to you.