The Shift

Coming back here is like touching a sore tooth but somehow I know it's necessary. It's strange to think all the emotions that flood across this page have been mostly negative but here I am, feeling quite content. I tend to shy away from blogging when I'm happy. I'm afraid it will be boring but my life now is nothing but boring. There is a question about how much to share, because though I don't feel that many read this, the way I'm living my life is in a style that many don't agree with. Many might say I'm having a midlife crisis. Others may say a mental breakdown. I think the correct words are self serving. Those might strike you as sounding negative but if they do then you know nothing about me. For how long have I been living my life for others? Doing things as others see fit? Listening when they said what I wanted was wrong? For how long did I calculate every nuance of every one else's life before making a decision, often putting what I wanted aside for what seemed best for the group.

Now none of that is an issue any more. Now, my situation is such as I do what I'm told and that is the beautiful simplicity of it. Living life like a 1950'a household (for that's as close as I feel comfortable to coming to the truth on here) is not what everyone is cut out for. Hell, I still feel myself chafing against it sometimes. Those of you that really, truly know me however, know that it's something I've craved for a very long time.

Co-dependency is a bitch. From a really young age I was forced into the role of mom and caretaker of my parents. I never got taken care of. I was never anyone's responsibility. I was never a child. I was always mom. A you grow, it begins to feel normal, it's what you crave, what you seek out. When you marry, you find someone to mother, someone to fix. Never realizing it's you who needs fixing. But not by anyone else. Only you can fix yourself.

Then a wife and breadwinner you find you have just filled another mother role. Again. Dammit with the fixing of other people. They don't really want to be fixed. You don't really want to fix them. Everyone is unhappy. The rift grows. Relationships end. You move on, seeking another fixer upper. Always looking for potential.

Until you stop and fix yourself. Once you start to fix yourself all of this becomes clear. The cycle breaks. You want a break.

I wanted a break so bad. He stepped in and he was a fixer upper but something was different. I didn't want to fix him and he didn't expect me to. Instead, he started to take care of me. No...instead, he made ME take care of ME.

See what just happened? My whole life shifted. Like an earthquake that fixes things instead of wrecks them. Just a simple, quiet statement. "You must take care of you."