I'm Lost

I miss myself.
The me I used to be, before the pain and fear and exhaustion. I feel like some vital part of me it's missing now.

Oh sure, I put on a show, smile for the camera. I can be bubbly, I even glow now that Jason is in my life.

But there is some part of me that is lost. There it's a vibrant, creative, alive woman out there wearing my face, pretending to be me. The part of me that enjoyed watching the sun rise, taking hikes, reading books, the smell of snow and summer rain, a clean home... had escaped me some how. And I'll I'm left with is the debilitating, numb exhaustion or the screaming, ripping pain...

Mostly both.

The pain robs me of my ability to enjoy my kids, my home, my pets, my love, myself.

I convince myself that I'm only suffering from stagnation and that if I only get up and get going it will all be better. So, I rise, take a shower, do some yoga, clean some of the house and find myself so exhausted I have no energy left.

Jason and I are considering beginning protocols. Little tasks that I'm forced to do every day. My baby steps so to speak. My first protocol is that I get up every morning and make the coffee. Here is where milk jug woman would peruse Facebook, read, drink tea, or leen el diario.

I go pee, then sink back into the warmth of the bed.

Active missing girls does yoga, breakfast, writing a poem, and doing the dishes. I sleep.

Lunch, a walk, a shower, doing some laundry.....meditation and prayer time. Devotionals over the dishcloths, prayers over panties, sanctity during sock sorting.

This missing girl had definitely got something up on me and I want it back. I want a job, and income , a personal life.

Dammit!!!

Do you know how much it would mean to get a pain free (physical and emotional) hug from my kids. Remember the dates off concerts and trackmeets and boyscout duties?

And again, I look myself in the milk jug and I say, "mind over matter. I can do this without that other smarter, more creative, more articulate half of myself. Then I get up, get showered, dressed, teethbrushed, makeup put on, hair done, shoes slipped on, keys in hand....

And realize I have nowhere to go because I've hated on and alienated all my friends.

Here's another way of telling it. If each of your normal daily activities was a single brick on ONE of the great pyramids of Giza... I just choose my brick from the bottom most keystone spot and now the pyramids is coming back down onto my head.

Somewhere in here is a lesson about slowing down and only doing what is most important but for the time I just want to know why milk jugs gets to have all the fun and ends me with all the cool down exercises?

This is my chance to use protocols as bait to lure jugs back to me and once she gets here, adding no amount of harmony or trickery is going to separate us.

I remember being able to hike to the top of a mountain. Now I can't even get to the base of it.

I'm getting my mother fucking mountain back. And all the beauti-fuckin-wonder-ful wildflowers they're are to smell along the way.

Protocols, stubbornness, good timing, and a firm hand from Jason and the girls is going to get me back in synch with my missing half.

And you.

I'm going to need all of you too. So if you come over and the house is a mess, look me in the eyes. See what you find there. If there's tears perhaps you came by to help out with the cleaning a little. If their filled with pain maybe you came over to help cooking. If you come over and they're dull and lifeless then it's you're turn to spot a protocol that needs to be set up and put me at it.

I move when I don't have pain
I move when I do have energy.
Sometimes, I don't move just because I don't know where to go next.

Give me a gentle hug and some kind guidance.  And bear with me.