She's Not Heavy

I'm down and out again.
I apologize for only posting when something seriously wrong is going down but that seems to be the only time I remember.

I realized recently that it has been months since I've taken my thyroid med. The last time I got it filled was in June. That's three months for my thyroid to cook up trouble. Not to mention the fact that my doctor finds it impossible to refill even the simplest of meds so now I will also run out of my epilepsy and Parkinson's meds. My health is rapidly deteriorating along with my mood, my ability to concentrate, and my ability to sleep.

After a full day of activities and very little sleep, I got home and couldn't move or straighten my legs. I tried very hard to get from the car to the house, even waiting until the others had gone inside so I could limp, hunched over, groaning and not be embarrassed or shamed. Even my children tell me not to "make those noises" or "act that way" because it "scares them".

So I waited until I was alone so I could suffer without being chastised. Only I never was alone. Jason never left my side. He helped me patiently while I struggled to walk from car to front door and when I asked; with humiliated, downcast eyes, if he could possibly carry me inside, he lifted me without hesitation and brought me to bed. He never made me feel like I was over-reacting or faking, he simply helped without comment or judgement.

Yesterday, he bought me a candy bar as a surprise and when I flung myself into his arms in excited thanks, he caught me.

All those stereotypical trust exercises you see on the movies could never live up to the moment when he caught me and didn't let me fall. I have a feeling he'll never let me fall or fail. And having Donovan to watch Jason constantly there to support the people he loves, is a reinforcement for the great behavior Donovan already shows toward Moryssa, Jason, and I.

Arianna had her choir concert tonight and Michael stayed for one song before leaving. Jason has been to every single event, without fail, since he's arrived.

Jason told me that Laurie and the boys would go out while he stayed home with Ryan. That, indeed, the entire family would go to family centered events all the time such as cheer camps and football games, but he was expected to stay home and watch the baby alone. He loves being able to go out and spend time with the family and even though the events aren't always up his alley and sometimes even boring, he's still included. We do everything as a family.

My responsibility is to tell him what my expectations are and I've discovered I have a really hard time with expectations, both my expectations of others and theirs off me. I realized Jason wants me to tell him my expectations for me, however and that flickered like a firefly in the hot southern night. That might just be the ticket. When I have expectations of others they often fail to live up to them, either because they can't or don't want to. This disappoints me and leaves them feeling judged and condescended. When others have expectations of me, I often fulfill those expectations regardless of my physical or emotional comfort level, again leaving me disappointed, used, and exhausted.

I've never once tried to fulfill a preset list of expectations for myself that someone else could help me remain accountable for, where someone could catch me when I jumped blindly toward my potential. It's exciting. I'm breathless.

Finally, I can hear Jason whisper, "She ain't heavy. She's my baby."