Big Circles

I found the last post in an old journal from last year. The first and last journal entry I made that year.

What a difference a year makes! I can honestly say that so much of that last post was true! I am honestly comfortable being by myself.  I like to go out, to the movies or events but I love to stay home. Garden, clean, or just have fun with Keira, laughing and joking.

And when the time comes for her to move on, I know I'll be ok because of the work I've done on myself.

I had to stop talking to Ari. She moved out the day of graduation and our relationship has been pretty toxic. Whatever story you hear from either one of us is probably slanted, as Roshamon has taught us, but no, it's not because she wanted to convert to Christianity.

Honestly, I love my children and the only thing I can wish for them now is to live a life of conviction and if Ari is convinced that I am a terrible mother then I'm pretty damn proud of her for saying it. Being on the receiving end of the vitriol was and constantly is hard but if you are honest with the world, honest with yourself and live your life with conviction, I can ask for nothing more. Other than that they are happy.

Which Donovan is. That voice is silent no more. He has a wife, a beautiful daughter named Zenny, the grand daughter of my dreams, and we see them often. It is truly a charmed life when you walk through a door and a baby recognizes you and a smiles lights their face. She is my joy.

As is Keira. Keira has become my best friend. I can't explain it. Maybe because we're both Virgos. Maybe because I breast feed her. Maybe because she's just brutally honest which is refreshing in a world of back-handed whispers.

That brings me to me. I'm still working on my issues. My tendency to gossip is the one thing I'm working hardest on. Also, my negativity is getting worked on. But overall, I like myself which is not something I could have said two years ago. Hell, I couldn't even post a journal post... But I'm me. And I'm getting to know her which is most important.

The end of this post may feel like it's incomplete but that's life. Every day new things are brought to light, new people are met. So, until next time...

Little Circles 1.4.2018

I keep repeating "look how far I've come in a year" and, indeed, I've traveled further than I ever thought possible. The hard choices I faced this time last year seemed insurmountable. Still, here I am: a home, an income, free from Jason's abuse and my health (both physical and mental) are leaps and bounds better than where it was in January of '17.

And yet, in some ways, I still feel exactly the same. I am still so alone. Arianna is doing her best to remind me that I am a failure. Donovan is an echo of a silent voice. No friends. No family. No lover.

Only Keira remains as my friend and stable support system.

How far have I really come? Is my progress linear or circular? I hate to think I am merely chasing my tail in an eternally lovely circle.

What can I do to change? I realized yesterday that who I am is who I have always been: the little, lonely girl; reading her books in an empty house in now merely a lonely women, quietly watching television, in an empty house.

Once an only child, always an only child.

And while I think I truly find joy in shopping or hanging out with Keira, I only feel normal alone.

This realization hurts and brings peace all at once. It may only mean that I will always be alone, but it also means that somewhere, deep down, I'm ok with that.