I keep repeating "look how far I've come in a year" and, indeed, I've traveled further than I ever thought possible. The hard choices I faced this time last year seemed insurmountable. Still, here I am: a home, an income, free from Jason's abuse and my health (both physical and mental) are leaps and bounds better than where it was in January of '17.
And yet, in some ways, I still feel exactly the same. I am still so alone. Arianna is doing her best to remind me that I am a failure. Donovan is an echo of a silent voice. No friends. No family. No lover.
Only Keira remains as my friend and stable support system.
How far have I really come? Is my progress linear or circular? I hate to think I am merely chasing my tail in an eternally lovely circle.
What can I do to change? I realized yesterday that who I am is who I have always been: the little, lonely girl; reading her books in an empty house in now merely a lonely women, quietly watching television, in an empty house.
Once an only child, always an only child.
And while I think I truly find joy in shopping or hanging out with Keira, I only feel normal alone.
This realization hurts and brings peace all at once. It may only mean that I will always be alone, but it also means that somewhere, deep down, I'm ok with that.
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