It's a rare thing for a person to go through most of their lives before they realize how thoroughly their parents have messed them up. I realized it the other day and cried. It was a rough day and at 11:45pm she showed up, waking me from a sound sleep. Apparently she's better and will now live to a ripe old age. It frustrates me that of all days she could break the news that she's found some miracle cure, she picks the day when I'm trying to work through being the adult child of an alcoholic. Trying to convince myself I'm not co-dependent or worse yet, an enabler. I think in the end I've decided to keep the disbelief. I'm holding it close to me and using it as a buffer between me and the emotion. It has helped that life is a blur since then because I got sick almost immediately. 4 days later and I"m still trying to find the right balance.
Last night I got up because I thought one of the kids was sick. I heard one of them coughing so I got up and poked my head through the door. I heard Ari talking to someone. I thought maybe she was having a late night tete a' tete with our guest Ben. I pulled on some clothes and came out into the hallway but everyone was asleep. I know I heard a little girl's voice. I know she was talking to someone. I wonder if it was a ghost. I complained a lot about the old apartment being a psychic void with no left over energy at all but I'm not sure I'm ready for voices. I'm wondering if it wasn't just a really vivid dream. I can't remember if I locked the door when I came back to the bedroom but this morning it was locked. COuld it have been a dream or a visitation of someone who wanted more attention that we are giving her. I wish more than anything that I could know, for sure, what actually happened.
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