Christmas is a'comin and the geese are getting fat...

9 days later and poor Ari is still sick. Keira and I have caught this cold/ ear infection and we are both miserable. It feels like it's been and endless cycle of sucking snot, doling out meds and fighting to put eye drops in. She's miserable most days and I'm so concerned about her (and my own) that I don't sleep at night. Luckily Michael has been home to help. My ears and throat are so sore and I'm coughing all the time. I worked today. I'll be surprised if I work tomorow, though we need the money because Mike missed so much work when he was sick.
My aunt, uncle and parents will be here for christmas next week.
Wish me luck.

The Beat Goes On- Laa-dee laa-dee lee

Michael's been home all week and still doesn't feel better. I can sense him getting worse and worse. I feel bad for him, with chores and the holidays, I've had him running the entire time. I'm gonna let him sleep in tomorrow, all day if he needs it.
Arianna seems like she's getting worse as well. She has huge circles under her eyes and she gets weepy and frustrated at the smallest thing. We took her to the doctor today and, of course, she's allergic to the meds he put her on. She broke out in hives. We went to the headstart parent meeting today even though she missed two days of class. I could feel the disapproving stares of the teachers and almost lost it when one of them said, "She doesn't get antlers because she wasn't in class when we made them." I'm sorry if I think my daughter's health is more important than construction paper antlers. Would it kill you to make a couple extra?
Mike and the kids have been feeling so bad I let them open their solstice presents early. The kids were so excited. Not every four and six year olds get their own tv and dvd player. Mike and I agreed a few big presents were easier in the long run than a bunch of small ones.
Michael got me addicted to a video game called Legacy of Caine: Defiance. We fight over who gets to play when. I'm actually kind of keeping up with him. I never thought I'd be good at anything but karaoke revolutions.
Keira is wonderful, just turning three months she's giggling, cooing, smiling. She likes to play peek-a-boo and suck her fingers. She also has a really soft stuffed monkey she grabs when she's getting ready for sleep. She's at the perfect age, when she looks up at you, recognizes you, and smiles, your heart melts and you just can't help but stop and say hello.

Three Months

. 

'Tis The Season of Giving

It's that time of year again, when everyone has something and they all delight in giving it to someone else. No, I'm not talking about the holidays, I'm talking about cold/flu season. Arianna and Donovan have ear infections, Mike has something called a "viral throat infection" and Keira either had conjunctivitis or a clogged tear drainage canal. I don't have anything yet or, if I do, I don't have time to realize it. On Saturday I cleaned the living room, Ari's room and my own room. Plus, I worked four hours at Hot Topic. Sunday I got up at eight and did twenty loads of laundry, made lunch, worked for four and a half hours and started Donovan's room.
Still, I guess it's better than the stomach virus. I hate the smell that permeates the house and the way Ari and Donovan tremble when I hold them. I think this is more painful, though. What will I do if they give it to Keira? How will I know? The PA said it wasn't a contagious strain of ear infections but then how did Ari get it?
Did I forget to mention that Donovan has a cyst behind the ear that isn't infected and the PA wants us to break it open every day so it can drain?
I think the first level of hell is seeing your kids in pain.

Remember What It Felt Like To Climb Into Your Ma's Lap?

I set up a website called Ma's Lap today. It's short for Mothers Against Lazy Parenting. It's one of the few things I feel strongly about. The amount of parents who just don't even try to be in their kid's life anymore. I understand that some people need daycare to cover their workday. I understand that not everyone can be a stay at home mom but when you don't bother to spend time with your kids when you are at home or if you forget you have kids. That's what's causing todays troubles. Know what your kids are doing, keep track of them, hang out with them and keep your eyes open.
I could never forget mine.

The Finish Line

I can proudly say I finished the novel. It's not completely done. It needs several revisions and 50,000-100,000 more words but it's got a beginning, a middle, and an end. Every plot point has at least a chapter and I got to my goal of 50,000.
It makes me happy that something I've been working on for ten years is finally done. It's a workable piece and, from the opinions I've gotten, a damn good piece.
Keira seems to have broken down some kind of writer's black that the greasy grey put up. Maybe, for once, I really am happy.
My inner cat purrs

Growing Pains

I don't spend much time here anymore. It's just easier to avoid my thoughts and go about my life.
Keira is getting so big. She's the love of my life. I miss her so much on the days I work. She's started to look at me and smile in a way that makes my heart melt. It's so awesome that she actually sees and recognizes me. She's started to coo a lot more, too. The kids love her so much.
Ari is experiencing some major growing pains. She's pushing the limits of my parenting skills and becoming a close friend of dicipline. I'm not sure if it's her age or that she's now going to headstart but something is giving her the idea that Mommy and Daddy aren't in charge anymore. It makes me discouraged but at the same time I'm so proud she has that unbeatable spirit.
Donovan is learning so much. He's reading more and more, everyday. I was letting him read Dick and Jane but now I think he's ready to move on, he reads things on windows, the TV and even knows what Mike and I are spelling when we don't want him to.
As far as work goes, I love it. The environment is perfect for me, a lot of my co-workers are parents and my age. They all have the same interests as me and the same tastes. I've yet to meet anyone rude or stuck-up. I'm working with someone I went to high school with and it's nice because he never wants to get nostalgic but he acts like we were best friends when the truth is, I hardly knew him.
He's the best: cool, friendly, outgoing, but he acts like we are long lost pals. I'd love to feel like I'd regained an old friend but I haven't.
Thanksgiving is right around the corner, where does the time go?

Two Months 

Holidays Are Chock Full Of Goodness

Man, what a long week this has been. I know the holidays are supposed to be busy but I think I over did it as usual. On Saturday we went to the farmer's market. It was a lot of fun but really cold. I met a girl that takes great photos and a wiccan that makes soaps and stuff. They were both so great. We took the kids around to all the stalls and they got candy. One of the places had a great Day of the Dead Altar and I kicked myself for not taking my camera.
On Sunday we went trick or treating twice, once at the mall and once around the neighborhood. The neighborhood was really dead and I was disappointed by how many people didn't hand out candy. It feels like the spirit of Halloween is as dead as the people it celebrates. After trick or treating we went to a Halloween party. It was very laid back, very cool. We sat around and talked.
Monday we had a full turkey dinner in celebration of Samhain and Feast of the Dead. Pumpkin pie, cranberry, stuffing, mashed potatoes, the works. It was very cool.
Yesterday we spent the afternoon in the ER because Keira had a strange cough that I was concerned about. They took xrays of her lungs but couldn't find anything wrong with her. I made an appointment at the pediatrician's on Monday.
Last week we watched the eclipse. The kids seemed oblivious to it but Mike and I loved it.
Also, on Monday I got the job at Hot Topic finally. It's only minimum wage and limited hours but the discount rules.
Finally I joined the National Novel Writing Month website where I will be attempting to crunch out 40,000 words in one month. That might finish my novel. Those things are worth money...

Samhain Cometh

The fog came in last night like a living thing. One minute you could see and the next minute it blanketed the world. I remembered saying I would miss the fog when I left Philly and now, 3 years later I finally get it back. It's finally cold though only at night. It makes me happy: the chill air, the smell of woodsmoke, pumpkins, hay rides, and scarecrows.
Keira is growing like a weed and now she only wakes me up twice a night. She's so beautiful, I'm excited for the time when she looks at me and actually sees me.
On the other hand the little one I babysit for is driving me to distraction, crying all day for no reason. His mother restricts his food and wants me to give him juice instead of formula. I feel like I'm out of my league. I don't know how to tell her she needs to find someone else, though. And I hate to feel like a failure by quitting. On the other hand, if I wanted four kids, I'd get pregnant again.

It's Noon And The Direct Deposit Still Isn't In The Account

I will not flip out. I will not flip out. I will not flip out. I will not flip out. I will not flip out. I will not flip out. I will not flip out. I will not flip out. I will not flip out. I will not flip out... I won't

Am I Becoming A Stay At Home Mom Snob?

I have issues with moms who neglect their children for whatever reasons. Leave a diaper on for 15 hours, Stuff another bottle in his mouth, no bath for a week, no clean clothes, neglecting medicine.
It kills me that a woman can't take the three minutes it takes to provide your child with the same comforts you provide yourself. Why do people like that have children? Why do... How do mothers ignore their children until they've become some fat little snivelling day care monster that will only eat sugary fruits and sucks down formula like it's running out?

One Month

Mmmmm Yummy

Well Ain't That Just The Pot Calling The Kettle A Glutton For Punishment

There's something evil about sweating your ass off in October. I knew I was asking for it when i moved back but this is ridiculous. How is one supposed to be a goth witch when it's 85 degrees outside?
I put in an application at Hot Topic to work weekends. The manager seemed impressed with my application. The girl I talked to said I was a shoo-in. That was Saturday.
Today I volunteered to baby sit an 8 month old Monday-Friday. I'm not sure yet but I think I'm getting in over my head. The money should start pouring in but is it really worth 4 kids, a husband and a job?

Tempest Smith, Old News Still in the Hearts of Wiccans

I came across this link on my pagan parenting board. Tempest Smith's suicide will determine a great many things in the up coming years one of which will be pagan parents choice on whether or not to raise their children on a pagan path.
It doesn't change my mind. My kids will still be raised on a pagan path until they're old enough to make their own decision but I know there will be a big difference between my kids and Tempest Smith, I'll be there for my kids if they ever get bullied. They will have someone to talk to and they won't ever have to hide their feelings from me.
They won't ever have to hide anything...
Least of all their pain.

Shame On You Victoria Gotti

I realized early this morning that I may be the last of a great generation. Victoria Gotti has her own reality TV series and I realized, watching her fly across the screen in her big boobed way, with her hair gel freak sons that no one younger than me is going to know who John Gotti was. What a giant he was or how much he probably rolls in his grave at what Victoria has turned the family into.
This great mafia godfather would probably be training the Gotti boys to run the "business" and instead she's got them fighting over hair gel on national TV. Oh how the mighty have fallen, good thing their hair never will.

Mastitis

I woke up this morning with a horrible case of mastitis in my left breast. Flu like symptoms including a really high fever and sharp shooting pains in my head. The pain in my breast is nothing compared to the pain in my head, it's like an ice pick.
Dr. Deb gave me antibiotics and promised it would go away in twenty four hours.
My mom called later on and asked if she could come back for a couple more days. I told her no. I was honest and told her I didn't think it was fair that I had to take care of three kids, on a newborn and her. I know she was hurt and I felt guilty but I have to keep my sanity. I can't afford to hate her.

The Wiccaning

It was quick and furtive, not like the grand rituals you see on TV but quiet. Just Mike, Keira, and I on a dark city street. I said a quick prayer and marked a pentacle on her forehead before passing her through the arms of the tree that the kids and I had picked out months ago. The kids have dubbed it, "Our Beautiful Tree". A scrappy little mulberry with mistletoe growing on it. The tree always has the coolest shade. So, it was there that my youngest was given her temporary magickal name until she comes of age.
I almost cried.

Ain't No Cure For The Summertime Blues

I wish I knew what was bothering Donovan. He's been so quiet the last two days and though I've asked him on several occasions he insists that nothings wrong. I would like to bring back that happy go lucky kid, trade him in for the quiet introspective one who prefers to stare out the window at the rising sun than to play cars.
He's got a deeply old spiritual soul and I knew one day I would see the proof positive of it but he still has so much little kid time, I hope he doesn't give any of that up.

Company is Like Fish, It Goes Bad After Two Days

My mother's welcome is wearing thin. There's only so much of her adult baby act I can take. She's spoiled, plain and simple. Won't eat her apple unless it's peeled a certain way, won't eat dinner until she's had a popsicle. It interferes with my life and with the rules I've set down for my children. I have final proof that I'm the adult in the relationship. How my father has made it this long is beyond me. I can't help but wonder what I will say next time she asks for an extended visit. Chances are pretty good that it won't be a quick yes like this time.

Fall Comes Creeping

It was really cool today, as if fall was reaching out with delicate tendrils to test our willingness to succum- to give up the long hard summer. The drought is causing the leaves to turn yellow and fall, another mockery of fall that should never be, but will be followed by evermore 90+ degree days. I long for the cool fall evenings, the smell of burning leaves in the air and the day light savings mornings with frost on the window.
I got a beautiful autumn orange sweater for my birthday and now I long for a reason to wear it. I can't wait for the peace of a day unhindered by the hum of fan or air conditioner.

Happy Birthday to Meeee!!!!

I'm 28 years old today. I"m in a good space for a 28 year old; three beautiful kids, a happy marriage. I can do anything I want now, finish my novel, go back to school, get a job or stay at home with Keira. I don't have any regrets. I don't have any of the usual creeping-up-on-thirty-wish-I'd-dones.
I'm going to treat myself to a belly button peircing as a belated birthday present. Less as a last hurrah than it would seem. I don't feel old. I"m not gonna act old. I"m not going to panic and run around acting like a 28 year old trying to be 19. I'm just going to act like a 28 year old having fun.

All The Nuts Roll Down Hill

My mom's coming to spend a week with us. I know by the time she leaves I"ll be crazy but for now I'm looking forward to it. She's coming to get away from the delusions that someone is living in their upstairs bedroom. She swears my father is having an affair with that someone. She'd called this woman's husband and called the police on her. The other day she finally asked me to find a psychiatrist for her. At least she'd getting to the point where she realizes she's crazy. I know it must be painful for her to admit it to herself. It's painful for me.

Getting Over the Shock

I feel detatched somehow. Like I'm just going through the motions of life and any day now life will get back to "normal". Maybe its me not getting enough sleep or maybe it's the onslaught of a cold or post-partum deppression. Either way, most of the time I feel like I'm just dreaming. I have no interest in TV or internet, no interest in reading or going out of anything else. I'm not unhappy thought. I'm just content to sit for hours and hold the baby.
Sometimes I watch the weather channel just so it will lull me to sleep.

Adventures of the Yellow Keira-Bean

Today was Keira's one weeks check-up and the doc was a little concerned with her jaundice. We went to the lab to get her bilirubins drawn and they were at a 16. For levels of 15 and higher they suggest phototherapy treatment. 18 or more and they baby gets put into the hospital. So, Keira is sleeping in a bright teal phototherapy blanket. She looks like a little glow worm. The blanket is called a "Wallaby Blanket" but we've taken to calling everyone and everything involved "Billy." She'll stay wrapped for three days and they'll recheck her levels everyday. My daughter's poor feet.

The Most Excruciating Pain Ever

My breasts are killing me. It makes me realize why I usually end up bottle feeding. I get to the point where I can't take the pain anymore then give the kid a bottle of formula to give my breasts "a break". Then I"m producing less milk and breast feeding is hurting more. One bottle becomes two becomes three. "It hurts to breast feed, why bother?" or "At least I held out for the first few days." Well, this time I'm in it for the long haul. I can stand child birth then I can hack the breastfeeding... Right?

And Then The Guilt Sets In

I feel guilty for not being able to help out around the house. Mike says I've just had a baby but my brain says the only pain I'm really feeling is regular old period cramps and a sore belly button.
I still get tired really easily.
I still stay up all night with Keira.
And I still feel really guilty about not being able to help.
Keira was a dream all day. I know it means I'll be up all night.

First Night Home

Last night was a tough night. We didn't sleep at all because Keira had a tummy ache we couldn't get rid of. Trying to sleep between sessions of feeding and crying was too much work so I stayed up. We are napping on and off today but I'm afraid it's ruining any chance we may have had at a sleep schedule. In the end I had to chose and sleep just seemed more important at the time.
My cramping is still bad and I'm popping Tylenol so often I'll have an ulcer by her first birthday but both the sciatica and joint pain are both mysteriously gone.

Then My Water Broke

Two days ago- at about 7:20pm my water broke. I'd just gotten done reading with Donovan and stood up to get everyone ready for dinner when it broke. Mike didn't believe me, thought I was testing him. We called the midwife and were on our way. There was a little scramble to find care for the kids but then we were able to just sit back and enjoy labor. I dilated and effaced quickly and the midwife was very attentive, rubbing my back and asking questions. It was totally different from all my other experiences. I decided to try sitting in the tub to alleviate some of the pain. I had two contractions in the water before I decided I couldn't wait. We called the midwife back in and two more contractions later, less than five minutes, Keira Makenzie was on my belly and Mike was cutting the cord. We never did make it out of the bath but it was so awesome. It's the birthing experience every woman should have. The midwife stuck around and showed me the umbilical cord and the placenta and answered my questions. Then I got to feed Keira. She was so perfect, so beautiful.
That night Keira slept through the night and the next day I was awakened from a sound sleep by my surgical team ready to take me to my tubal ligation. They asked me a couple of questions then gave me a drug that made me forget everything.
When I woke up I couldn't feel my legs. After the spinal didn't work they apparently put me under general anesthesia. Afterwards they followed that up with two doses of morphine and a motrin. The pain then became bearable. Keira had her first pictures taken and we had a good night of feeding.
Today we were discharged and got to come home. Our diet and meal schedules are off and because I was stubborn and went grocery shopping with the family my belly is cramping but we are adjusting well to being home. The kids love her and spend a lot of their time kissing and hugging her. Michael can't get enough of her and I'm just glad she'd finally in my arms.
Hopefully next week we will get back on schedule and things will get easier. So,
Keira Makenzie Block
Born 9/7/04 9:44 pm
6lbs 10oz 19 in long

Witch Capital of the World

Sometimes someone will say something and it will get in your head and curl up and whisper things to you until it is suddenly a good idea. Then you obsess over it until it becomes a great idea. As time goes by it becomes so important it's all you've ever wanted and the only thing that can make you happy.
Last night Mike suggested we move to Salem Mass. We checked out population and weather, home prices and schools and now it's stuck in my head as a good idea.
I think I'd like Salem. It's near the ocean.

Magical Belly Rub

The biggest thing I'll miss about being pregnant is the random kisses, pats and hugs my belly gets. Donovan stops me and gives me little kisses and Ari smoothes lotion on my belly and sings Keira songs. Mike will hold his breath and look at my shirt expectantly until I expose my belly and then he will cuddle up to it and kiss it and tell Keira how much he loves her. Even though I know the love is being sent to her it still makes me happy. It makes me feel special. I'll miss the extra touching that brings me closer to all of them.

The Finish Line

My midwife wasn't much of a help. I haven't dilated any more and I'm not sure how much time I have. She says I could go tonight or I could have weeks left. The only thing she knew for sure is that I won't make it to my due date. Well duh! I could have told you that. We got the truth though- If the baby is born this weekend she will be perfectly all right and with my rapidly growing fundus she may be huge. My biggest issue is getting over this constant exhaustion and weakness. That and I can't wait to have her in my arms.

The Peace Of Wild Things

When despair grows in me
and I wake in the middle of the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting for their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
-Wendell Berry

Family Confidences

180lbs
38cm fundus
I had major cramping again last night. We had an open house at Donovan's school and thought that I could make it home on foot. The cramps were excruciating- so bad that I couldn't get my feet to move.
I have been sucking down water like it's out of style but they don't seem to be hydration related anymore. Today I have a midwife appt. I hope she'll be able to tell me if I'm dilated any more. At least I know if I'm two or three cm dilated I'll be going sooner rather than later.
I finally told my brother today that I thought he was the lucky one to have lost his mother early to hep c as opposed to the slow torture I'm going through. Mom called last night to tell me she has ten years left to live though I know next week it will be back down to "anytime now". I'm not sure we (dad and I) can handle 10 years of senility. We are having a hard enough time now and I'm not sure watching someone you love go mad is something you get used to. My brother says when her time does come I'll be thankful for the extra time I got to spend with her.

False Alarm

Last night we went out to dinner and I started cramping. I may have had some spotting but I"m not sure. I've been waiting for my water to break since then. Mike doesn't think it was spotting and he doesn't think I'm ready to go into labor. I think he's probably right sine the fetal movement is still active and I haven't smelled the smell I experienced when my water broke with Ari and Donovan. This week is dragging by. Fridays used to fly by and now I'm not sure if I can make it to the next one.

Twins

Today was Ari's first full half day of school. She loved it. I enjoyed the time alone as well.
Donovan's already got another tooth growing to replace the one he lost and one to replace the one he hasn't lost yet. He's is turning out to be such a fine man.
I just found out that a friend of mine is having twins. I'm so thrilled for her. She has waited so long for this and now she'll be doubly blessed. I'm not surprised she's having twins though- I've heard fertility drugs will do that to you.

The First Day of the Rest of Her Life

Giving up Ari to school was harder than I thought. I cried and cried. She was so smart and well behaved. I know she is more than ready for this experience and will be learning things that Donovan learned in kindergarten. Does that mean in kinder she will be at first grade level? I kind of expected to have Keira to keep me company by the time Ari went to school. Now I know that I'll have to say goodbye sooner than I'm prepared to.

They All Grow Up

The kids and I have started watching A Baby Story while we wait for our ride to school. The kids are very eager to see their new sister. I think I've come to a plateau where I want her to be here but I want her here on her own time. I want her to be healthy and well developed. The edgy need to have her in my arms has faded away a little and I'm content to keep her as long as possible. 5 weeks maximum- 2 weeks minimum. I can handle it.
Today is Ari's first day of pre-school. I'm anxious about it but she is ready. She has been begging all morning for me to take her in early. Today she's only in for 1 1/2 hours but on Wednesday she goes for the full half day. She's so smart and so ready for socialization- I can't imagine she'll be one of those kids who cries once I leave. I'm not even sure she'll know I'm gone until I get back. Whatever will I do with my afternoons free? Thank the Goddess we got internet back.

My Mother the Nutball

My mom came by today and she seemed more crazed that ever. I was cranky because she bought me another stuffed animal instead of bottles and diapers like we need. We argued- or rather I snapped at her a couple times and then she lay down and pretended to sleep. It aggravates me that she's paranoid and while part of me knows she can't help it, some of me wonders. She is very suspicious of dad and very resentful of the rest of the family. I've pretty much had all I can take of it. I told her how I feel. She says she understands. Nothings changed.

Tooth Faerie

178lbs
fundus 36 cm
Donovan lost his first tooth this morning. He was so excited. Mike wants the tooth faerie to do something special since it's his first. It should have broken my heart. I think I'm getting used to the whole letting go thing. Maybe it's just cause I have Keira to baby now.
The midwife is adamant that I not deliver for 3 more weeks so I'm just hoping that Keira cooperates and also that the three weeks go by quickly. This weekend we get the stroller and car seat and next week we get the little odds and ends like nuk nuks and bottles. It's almost time.

Pictures Of Your Life part 2

Just got back from the ultrasound and there seems to be plenty of liquid. I did find out that the ultrasound tech thinks my EDD is September 30- a full week sooner than the midwife thinks. That puts me at 34 weeks 5 days. Keira is already 5lbs 6oz and any fears I had about her not flourishing were completely unfounded. Her head diameter is already 9 centimeters. I'm so excited. Mike is positive she will be born early the sixth but I'm hoping to make it at least until the 9th or the 13th. I guess at 5lbs 6oz I can't really afford to have her too late in September.

Pictures of Your Life

Today we go in for my third and final ultrasound. They want to make sure since I'm already dilated I still have enough fluid for the baby to live in for 3 or 4 more weeks. I think if there isn't they will give me the drug to develop her lungs in the next 24 hours and then induce but I have misgivings about that. I've done so well with the other two I'd hate to have this one orchestrated. On the other hand, my hips, knees and back can take only so much before I give up. I feel, lately, as if I've been beaten liberally with a baseball bat and then thrown down a set of stairs.

I Touch Myself

I think pregnancy is the perfect time to listen to the cues of your body. Every other day of our lives we hide the pain or ignore it with drugs but during pregnancy its important to revel in every cramp and spasm because they act as guide posts to your ever changing self. That's why I've always chosen natural birth. The pain tells you what to do, if something's wrong, if it's not time and so forth just like the quality of pain tells you things. It makes me wonder why women with short labors chose drugs- It's a good time to learn more about yourself.

Just Another Case of Careful What You Wish For

My midwife did a pelvic exam because I told her I was cramping. I'm 1 centimeter dilated and my cervix is soft. They ordered another ultrasound and asked me back in a week. I know I wanted Keira here early but not until she's fully developed and ready to come out. She asked me to hold on for 3 more weeks and to cut down on my walking and exercise.

Sleepy Nowhere Near Seattle

I try to tell myself I wouldn't sleep so much if I didn't need it. Everyday I feel so exhausted. I"m eating right and exercising, there's no sign of depression. I guess I must need it. Mike doesn't say anything other than "you're pregnant" like that explains it all but I don't remember being this tired during third trimester for Donovan and Ari.
Yesterday I had an especially painful brackston-hicks contraction and it flashed through my head how bad labor is. I was afraid for a split second. It was over quickly but it has lingered with me. The truth is, above and beyond everything else I just want Keira in my arms.

Time Again

Supposedly 8 more weeks and boy have the weeks begun to drag since Donovan went back to school. The days fly by as quickly as ever but it's only Wednesday. All that's left is to buy the stroller and some odds and ends plus the $300 for the day of delivery. That can all be done relatively soon. September will be filled with trying to get Ari and Donovan to two separate schools. If all goes well we'll have "the money" by October and I'll be able to drive to pick them up.
Of course, nothing ever goes the way it should.

Keira Makenzie Block

Gossamer silk like spider's web
A crown of curls around your head

Fountain of youth in eyes of blue
Sparkling deeper that any ocean

Smears of rose dust on your cheeks
To ward away the rain storms

And berry kissed lips smile at me
But promise to tell no secrets.

You must be a changeling babe
a foundling from the forest.

You must be an errant spark
escaped from sudden rainbows.

You must be a four leaf clover
growing on a rocky cliff.

You must be a miracle
a sweet and precious gift.

Post Party depression

Ever since the baby shower I feel very unable to deal with life's little stresses. The kids and cats both annoy me and I'm incapable of dealing with anything that I fail at. It's like the minute something goes wrong my whole life becomes a monumental effort. On Sunday I became hysterical over pancakes. Today I clogged the garbage disposal and lost complete interest in finishing dinner at all. I don't know but I think I over did it this weekend and I'm still paying for it. My emotions and ability to cope are linked with my exhaustion.

Baby Shower Weekend

Two days ago I saw a ghost tiger cat. She was so contented and friendly it filled me with happiness. My friend Linda seemed to take it well, she didn't give me the evil eye or anything. We talked briefly about our experiences and our kid's experiences. I hadn't realized I'd told her our religious preferences and if we didn't it must be very obvious because she knew. It's cool, she seems pretty hippy to me anyway.
We got new video games so we spent most of Friday devoted to them. There was a great raging storm that night that flooded the streets. Bolts of lightning one after the other pummelled the earth and cleansed the heat away. About 9:30 Elya and Melanie showed up. Saturday was spent shopping and prepping for the baby shower. The circus animal theme was subtle so I didn't mind. The turnout was low but the ones I really wanted to be there were and we had fun making the old fashioned shower games more progressive. Melanie brought a whole bag of door prizes which I ended up with most of and now Keira's crib area looks girlie unlike the blue Pooh stuff we had up before. At midnight we went to see Alien vs Predator and I feel hung over this morning. Too much of a good thing.
Now the kids are driving me nuts.

More Cramps

I cramped all night again last night. Part of me would love to dwell on it and worry but I'm not going to unless I start spotting or my water breaks.
In the meantime I'll assume it has something to do with practice.
Tomorrow is the day that all the walking starts. I wonder what effect that will have on my due date.
Today my mood and motivation sucks. I wish it were Friday. Hell, I wish it were September.

Time is... Highly Annoying.

Sometimes the days seem to drag and sometimes, like today, I have to wonder what I've spent all my time doing. It's 8 and I've been up since six. I got a reasonable amount done but again, here it is 8 o clock and I'm not sure when the day whizzed past.
Yet, at the same, Oct 8th seems so far away. I feel like I'll never get to Delivery Day. I'm so excited to have Keira it makes everything slow down to a crawl.
Time is rushing and crawling at the same time and my days are filled with nothing. I wish I had the money to take up a hobby.

The Middle Child

Dear Arianna,
As it gets closer to the time for your sister to be born you become more of a center to my thoughts. Now you are beautiful and happy, solid in the knowledge that your father and I love you like we could love no other. There may come a day, however, when you are older and more sensitive to the fact that you are a middle child and you may wonder why we never took day after pictures of you when you were born, why there is no baby book or special plaques. It isn't because we love you less, in fact, quite the opposite. You are such a special, magickal part of my life that I spent all my time loveing and holding you and none of my time documenting your first days with us. Your father was so in love with you that he cried all the way home from the hospital after you were born and I even wrote several poems about you.
So as you grow older don't wonder that we love you less, just know that we love you just as much as we love Keira and Donovan. You are no less important and fill no smaller space in our hearts.
My love to you
forever-
Mom

Just Pick Up The Receiver He'll Make You a Believer

Forgot to call my mom today. I know one of these days she'll die and I'll be filled with guilt about not calling her but for now I just don't have the energy to invest in it. She always requires so much emotion of me that I get sick and tired, literally, when she comes over. I'm dreading my own baby shower because I know she will most likely be here. It's supposed to be a nice day for me and I don't want it to be about her as everything else is. I have plenty of time for guilt, the rest of my life, right now is about me.

Notice a Weight Trend?

31 weeks
178lbs
Everything has become ominous to me from my dreams to things people say. The dreams disturb me the most. I guess I always have to worry and dreaming is the least stressful way to do it.
I still haven't gained any weight and now the baby isn't growing either. The midwife says she may just be between growth spurts and wants to wait until 36 weeks before we schedule an ultrasound to check the baby's size. If I'm right I'll have delivered by then anyway. Keira moves frequently and is always a joful reminder. We are considering changing her middle name to Makenzie.

Wanted: A Semi-Sane Babysitter So I Can Drug Myself Up

Woke up this morning with a sore throat and an ear ache. I know it's probably another sinus infection and I can take Benadryl for it but they make me so groggy that the kids could wreck the house and I would never know. I wish I had someone to pawn them off on when I was sick.
Yesterday Donovan started trying to touch the bottom of the seven foot in the pool. He was always under so long I would start to get up only to have him pop up again. I guess it shows I wouldn't trust anyone else to watch them anyway.

The Scramble

I"m exhausted. Mike and I just spent 3 days cleaning and running around getting ready for school and the baby shower next week. Today we had to be done by 8:00 am because they are spraying for bugs. I'll have to haul the cats over from our friend Mark's house when they are done. I'm not looking forward to it. My pregnancy calendar says 8 weeks left. I can't wait.

Lord of the Frogs

Hutch took Mike and the kids out a couple of weeks ago to catch tadpoles. As the tadpoles changed into frogs we moved them to a new container. It was great for the kids because they got to experience, first hand, most of the stages of a frog's life cycle. Well, the taddies were dirty and I had to change their water often- to many tads in such a small space and they smelled really bad so yesterday we took all the tadpoles and all but four of the frogs and released them into a local park with a huge pond. I immediately saw a problem. The frogs were used to spending their days on rocks we put in their bucket so as soon as we dumped them in the pond they all swam to the water's edge and jumped on the embankment. We had raised them in shallow water with fixed perches. We hung around trying to convince them the water was safer but I know the minute we walked away many of them were most likely scooped up by birds. The guilt I felt was enormous and while Dave and Mike tried to convince me that survival instinct would kick in I still felt like I set them up for a massacre. Last night I dreamed of tadpoles in dark black water all night. In the dream all the frogs were gone.

Baby Pains

The pain in my hips and tailbone have subsided. For the most part I can sit and stand comfortably unless I've been still for two long. I wonder how much of that has to do with the pool being closed. It did seem worse after we'd been swimming. Now I'm tender in my belly when Keira moves. I hope I'm just dehydrated and that water makes it go away but if I'm still feeling it in a couple days I'll probably go to the midwife's office for a look-see. I know it's not labor and so I can relax on that count- no spotting and the baby hasn't dropped- but I'm still concerned about what happened to Courtney.

Enabler or Facillitator

I wonder if we are facillitating our neighbor's ability to neglect their children. A nonjudgemental friend is a nice thing if you are doing your best to live your life right but when their lack of judgement upon you leads you to a lazy or corruptive lifestyle is it partially their fault? "The worst thing a man can do is nothing." If I know a woman who would rather buy drugs than provide for her children and I don't say anything about how wrong it is am I basically saying her behavior is ok? Am I justifying her attitude by remaining silent or should I just mind my own business?

And Now For the Talent Portion of Our Show

Ari showed her interest today. For days I've been talking to Mike about extra-curricular activities for the kids and while it was agreed that Donovan would enjoy soccer or tae kwan doe we couldn't imagine putting Ari in a dance class. It just didn't seem her style. We talked about gymnastics but the lifestyle of a gymnist isn't something we want for her. (ie: anorexia and stress to acheive)
Well today she covered her hands and feet in stamp pad ink and did some of the most interesting art on some paper... the carpet... sinks, kitchen floor. I think we've decided it will be art classes for Ari.

Wanted: One Family Sized Clown Car

IT just hit me what a juggling act it's going to take to get two kids to two different schools 8 months pregnant with no car. It's going to be a circus. I'm not sure headstart is every day- it will be a blessing if it's only 2 or 3 days a week. Still I'm not filled with the same tearful panic that usually haunts me- just a resigned fear that I will spend many of my days in stressed out tears. Mike says we will find a way to make it work and I believe him. I wish Milt's money would come through so it's not such an issue.
This morning is cool and beautiful and the hummingbirds are out.

Manic Sunday

The heat broke today. It's cool and windy and strangely quiet. No kids are out playing and the pool is closed. It seems more like a warm winter day than a cool summer one. It makes me think of the days spent in the desert by the holy cross. Alone and free with only the wind to sing to me. I didn't feel lonely, rather I had a sense of contented freedom. These past two days have been happy days. My moods haven't intruded much. The joy felt a little manic and scary at times but most just serene. Watching hummingbirds and cuddling with Mike. The wind sings like an old friend.

Baby Faces

Arianna gets her baby face back when she sleeps. When she is awake there is no resemblence left of her baby form but when she's asleep her cheeks round out and the innocence comes back. She lookes so heartbreakingly beautiful when she sleeps it reminds me of why I wanted Keira so bad. Donovan, on the other hand, always looks like my big boy. I've given up hope of ever seeing his baby face again. At least I have my pictures of them. If Keira continues with the tradition she should be born on the 20th of September. The day after my birthday. I can't wait. 48 days and counting.

Just an Update

31 weeks
178lbs
fundus 29 in
It's official- I can no longer reach my toenails to clip them or paint them. When I sit down Keira pushes against my ribs. My verdict? I'm as big as a house. I go to the midwife today to check my weight and height of fundus and so forth. I also want to get my other weights to add to this journal.
Mike and I have started decoupage and we are really enjoying it. It's a lot of fun. The next box I want to do I want to use Campbell's Tomato soup labels. Mike suggested that I stain them pink and blue ala Andy Warhol and I love the idea. It gives us time together. I'm ready for Keira though.

One Hell of a Ride

It's been a crazy emotional week. Yesterday I cried just because I was hot and tired. A couple of days before that I snapped at Mike for no reason and we had a huge fight. I thought knowing about these hormonal rages would make them easier to pinpoint and deal with but they really aren't. I tried to talk to Mike about why they happen and he was adamant that he didn't know or care why they happened so long as they weren't directed at him from now on.
Melanie came to visit and to plan baby shower stuff. We didn't get much planning done as I was happy to just catch up and there was a lot going on. We ordered pizzas and Emily and Valerie played with the kids. They all had a good time. Melanie wants a circus animal theme and while I'm not partial to circus animal themes I should fit right in as the tent. I'm looking forward to having my friends all in one place. It should be a lot of fun and I hope I get to sit on the couch and do nothing all afternoon. The truth is, the best part of this shower is going to be company. I'm really going to enjoy having someone to talk to. I guess having a little person inside of you doesn't eliminate loneliness completely.

Playing Pontius Pilate

I like to wash my hands. I love the squelchy feel of the soap between my fingers and the way the suds turn grey after a hard days work. I love the cool wash of water over my hands and occassionally I'll scrub them with a brush to slough away all the dead skin and dirt.
I wish life were that easy. Taking a good bar of soap to your hands would solve all the world's problems. Maybe that's how obsessive compulsive people feel. Maybe they believe it will.
I dreamed of Price last night. He was sitting on a bench behind a house in a narrow alley. On either side of him sat Tommy and Nate. They were a perfectly preserved slice of the 7th grade, caught frozen in the future. The neither spoke nor moved, an effigy of my guilt. I rushed up and hugged Price. I miss him so much that is is actively in my mind and heart even thoughI've never dreamed of him. He didn't react to my hug in the dream and someone finally pulled me away from him.
I had a discussion with Mike about it a week ago. I asked if he thought we were destined from the beginning to live our lives as we do or if other people's actions have an impact on our lives. He said he believed both but in my case he thought that Price and Tommy's families were more responsible for their drug abuse and Price's eventual accident than I was.
The truth is, do I really think Tommy would have let me back into his life only to judge and badger him about drug abuse? He knew how I felt, he knew I was opposed. Did he use the break-up as an excuse to avoid me all those years just so I couldn't rag on him about his bad habits?
Does this theory excuse me from guilt? No. I never even bothered to reach out to Price. In my mind he was too loyal to Tommy but what if that isn't true. What if all he needed was someone to show him that they cared? What if he'd had someone else to go to- another shoulder to cry on-when he didn't graduate. I was always so proud of the support system we had in high school but the honest truth is: It Sucked. I failed so many people. So many of my friends didn't have me when they needed me most and that will haunt my soul forever.
I burned so many bridges. I hope I have a couple more lives to make up for it.

There Is No Spoon

Mike and I sat face to face today waiting for his ride to work. As I picked up my cup of cocoa he slid back in the chair and made some noncommital comment about not wanting to get spilled on. With the humiliation of a huge milk fresh in my mind I launched into a tirade about how I don't spill, that the milk had been the first time in a long time and I'm not so clumsy as to dump every drink I handle. Mid-tirade the cup slipped a little and I sloshed cocoa into my lap. Now comes the age old question: If he hadn't said anything would I have still spilled or did his mentioning it lead directly to the spill. The matrix haunts me. He is sure that we had a psychic link right before and he saw it happen. It leaves me with an eerie feeling in the pit of my stomach.
We got the letter last night that Ari is accepted into headstart. I was so excited for her I did a little dance and she went to bed singing what can only be described as "The Excitement Song". No real words, just a couple sing-songy verses of "whooo-hooo!" I'm a little concerned about being able to pick them both up but we will work something out.
I sat down with my novel last night and pounded out three pages. I know it doesn't seem like a lot but that combined with the fact that I'm journaling again and I tried a poem indicates maybe the lull is over. I'm good and I know I'm good- maybe a down payment for a book will ease the stress of waiting for MIlts payday. Of course I'm not expecting to be accepted right away but I have faith.

More Clues

I woke up this morning with sore breasts and lay on the couch, pretty concerned about it for most of the morning. It only hurt when I moved but the pain was sharp and on both sides. I finally went to the bathroom and lifted them to make sure there was no swelling or heat to them as I feared infection. Almost immediately they began to drip with pre-milk. I'm so happy that signs are coming faster and faster. I started a poem for Keira yesterday but I don't like it so I will mull it over for a few days and then start over. I also want to start my list for things to pack in my overnight bag. Keira is coming!

Filling Myself Up

I ended up talking to Mike about the greasy grey, about being lonely and about him spending so much time away. The greasy grey went away almost immediately and due to MIke not feeling good we got to spend 4 lovely days together. Tonight we went swimming and as I chased Ari in the pool I realized how happy I am. The laugh errupted from me like hot rain. Ari and Donovan are so perfect, so beautiful. They fulfill me. Mike is my link to love and life. Keira my connection to what can be. I am whole.

It's Sitting on my Shoulder

178lbs
fundus 27in
How strange that I just talked about the greasy grey and now I can feel it lurking over my shoulder. I can feel the empty vacuum in my chest and as always, Mike is out and about. Everyday this week he's been gone. I wonder if there is some connection. Does he sense to coming of the greasy grey or do I feel the greasy grey when he isn't around. Should I tell him now before it's a full on attack or leave him completely out and try to work it out myself? They all depend on if he knows and is avoiding me because of it. Does he even know he's avoiding me?

My Mom

I missed calling my mom this weekend. No matter what my excuses are it still boils down to me not wanting to rehas old times and not so old times. You can't possibly tell a story that many times to the same person and not remember.
I didn't want to get up this morning and yet here I am. I tell myself I'm creating a morning routine: tidy the kitchen, make Mike breakfast, make myself hot chocolate, scribble in journal then read. That will all be scrambled once school starts. Still, it brings me away from the tv for a bit.

Attack of the Schizos

I wish I could remember the last time I had an attack of the greasy grey. It has been awhile and I wonder if its hormones keeping it away. While I battle the little moodswings on a day to day basis they are usually short lived and easy to recognize. They don't eat at my soul like the big greasy grey. Like everything else, I hope this is a permanent end to the gaping hole, this sick queasy blockage in my chest chakra but with my history of mental instability it probably isn't. At least I can hope for a long vacation from it.

Cold Fire Nights

Last night it felt like we were at the top of the world watching the end of mankind. We were at one of the highest points in town and we had a circular view of the city. We could see every single firework that was set off and it was spectacular. It was also the first time my mind realized that the fireworks represent bombs and canons that killed hundreds of thousands of soldiers. Suddenly, the beauty of the fireworks was cold.

Milk of Human Kindness

We spent the last few days helping an older neighbor of ours move. She had no help and I had been plannning on helping her anyway but it really made it worth it to see some of the worry fade from her face. I can't imagine being all alone and in a position like that with no one to help. Besides which, she is a really nice lady and it fills a space in me to hear her stories and wisdom. It takes the place of grandpa and grandma. She's so sweet and generous it hardly seems like work at all. It's just something that needs to be done.

Dream a Dream of Sixpence, Pocket Full of Rye

I dreamt of Keira last night and she was beautiful. She had chubby angelic cheeks and ebony black curls that framed her piercing amber eyes. She had the eyes of a wolf. She was beautiful and it made me elated to see her. I wonder if mothers and babies share dreams and if so was she there with me, in the dream, looking up at me. Did she see the face that was at the same time, so much a part of her and unviewable. Was she as elated as I was?

Battle of the Generations

I finally lost it today. After a week of fighting with the kids over cleaning rooms, taking naps and other seriously mundane tasks I broke down and cried. I blubbered like an idiot and when Mike came home from work he lost his temper and spanked them both. I just don't know what it takes to get them to take me seriously. It makes me feel impotent and useless. Makes me wonder why I can't control them and what I'm getting myself into having Keira. I don't regret it but it I can't control the two I've got, how will I handle three?

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas

Even though I'm enjoying staying home. Even though I'm amazed and caught unaware at certain moments by how quickly the year flies by...I'm still occasionally filled with a longing for the winter. I miss the cold wet February mornings and the crisp, take your breath away nights. I miss bundling up in socks and sweats and hoodies and hats. I miss waking up in an oh so comfy cocoon of comforters with only the tip of your nose cold and running full tilt to perch atop a cold toliet seat with face scrunched and toes curled. I"m not sure this will be that kind of winter with central heat but with a balcony, I sure can try.

To Clutter or not to Clutter

I think on of my main problems (not flaws) is that I can never be happy with what I have. I'm always going to want what I see in others. Not really in a monetary way but in other ways. I see a woman with a cluttered kitchen, counter packed with jars and knick knacks and I want that. I get it and I work very hard at being proud of myself but then I meet a woman with a simple, empty, elegant kitchen and I"m suddenly looking for places to stuff all my crap. I"m hoping this is a transitional phase and that I'll outgrow it when I find a kitchen that suits me.

A Painting of the Morning

I got up this morning when the street lights were going off and the mountains were misty like some distant Japanese peaks. The birds sounded exotic as if I were camping and the remnants of last night's rain pattered a drumless beat on the edge of the porch.
It was the alone time I'd craved so much, the peace and promise of the morning broken only by the rumble of the garbage truck and the decadent smell of hot chocolate. Soon it would be too hot and humid but for now...
For now it was my peice of perfection.

There Are No Flaws in the Material of Man

Mike just told me that he doesn't believe people have flaws. He says that material items like glass and fabric have flaws but people don't. They have things they need to work on, things in their lives they can improve but they aren't flaws. In his mind, a flaw is a negative unchangeable attribute. It was a beautiful sentiment and it made me happy to hear him say it. People are not hopelessly flawed, everyone can change for the better, everyone can make their lives better with simple changes. There is nothing in our design that can't be changed for the better. The whole idea echoes my own innocent naive beliefs and makes me wonder- are Mike and I so different after all?

Desert Rain

It rained this evening and I stuck my head under the eaves and let the drops hit my head and shoulders. It felt so good, so cool and the smell of the rain in the earth was so cleansing. There is a special quality to desert rain that lets you see and smell it before it arrives. I've been told it's more the smell of the earth being moistened than the actual rain but it's not quite the same anywhere else I've ever been. California and Florida rain smells like the ocean, Philly rain is flat and senseless, all the joy coming from the sound. Only desert rain has that old familiar smell.

The Comedy Club

175lbs
I panicked when I realized what kind of people we were going to the comedy club with. They smoked a bowl before we left and took drinks with them. The babysitter joined in the fun. I sat on a strange couch and cried because I knew either we would die in an alcohol related accident or something would happen while we were gone. I was frightened and pissed off that Mike would put me in such a shitty situation. Me and Keira. I gripped his hand the whole way there and once we got there I was able to actually relax and have a good time. The comedians were funny. Famous people I'd never heard of. The woman who drove back had a white wine spritzer. I was a little calmer once I realized she wasn't taking shots. Not happy when they smoked another bowl in the tight confines of the car on the way home but I'm now more introspective than afraid.
Not only could they have gotten into a serious accident they could have gotten stopped at one of the many sobriety checkpoints and gotten thrown in jail.
I'm starting to be a big proponant of people acting their age instead of pretending they'll be in high school forever.

The Cost of Making a Baby

I can't help but feel that it's getting down to the final minute even though I have three months left. All the things that need to be done take money and there is so little of that around. I'm lucky to have gotten plenty of clothes and we have a crib and a high chair. The stroller we want is only $160 which we can squeeze out late August early Sept. I can just feel things slipping through my fingers. Usually time seems to drag but now I only have a month before Donovan goes back to school and two before Ari starts. It will be an incredible crunch to get anything done after that.

Donovan's Dental Adventure

We aren't sure what happened but one of Donovan's teeth cracked right in half. It was either something hard he bit into or a fall or bumped mouth. We went to the dentist today and he got a nice shiny cap for the tooth. I'm not happy that it had to be metal but he loves it. They put shots in his cheeks and laughing gas up his nose and numbing paste on his cheeks, gums, and tongue. Then they braced his mouth open, filed down the sharp edges and put the cap on. He seems to be fine now, everything has worn off. I felt bad not knowing what happened.

Arianna the Silent

Arianna makes me so angry. She has taken to clamming up when someone asks her a question. Whether she's done something wrong or not. She clams up and refuses to say a thing. It pushes me right from frustration to rage and anger. She just had something in her mouth and I asked what she was eating. She refused to answer me and I spanked her I got so angry. I have no idea if she was eating pills or garbage or cat shit! I have no idea what she ate. I just made amends with her and I hope it will make it easier the next time.

Keira the Obediant

Last night I put the kids to bed early and lay in the quiet listening to Keira's heartbeat. Instead of calming me like I expected she exhilerated me. It made me so happy to feel her moving inside me. Mike calls out "kick her" and Keira does exactly what she's told. I know she's going to be perfect and beautiful. She will be another bright shining light in my life. I'm starting to think of packing bags and touring birthing units, making my birthing plan and shopping for baby stuff.
I'm getting excited.

Acting Out

I'm concerned for Ari. She has begun pooping everywhere but in the toliet. Last night was in the bathtub. She can't tell us why she's doing it. I suggested a psychologist but Mike doesn't want to. I'm making a doctor's appointment for her 4 year shots and we'll be able to discuss it with the doctor then. True to my motherly nature I'm panicking. Could it be petit mal seizures? Could she have developmental problems? Mike thinks she is acting out because of the baby but she seems so happy about Keira, I can't imagine.

Creepy

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night to a woman screaming for help. I woke Mike up and went to the window. I saw a girl walking away from the building, nonchalant, no panic or excitement visible in her demeanor. She glanced over her shoulder once as if to make sure no one was following or watching her before fading into the darkness. All of this happened before Mike got to the window. He didn't see anyone and hadn't heard anything. I almost had myself convinced that it had been a dream but when I peeked out the window this morning the screen from the window in the downstairs apartment had been pushed out. Now all day I've been waiting to hear some news from the cops or some other source that someone had been attacked downstairs. I keep waiting for the girl to walk by, for her to pull some Gothika shit on me.
I'm jumpy to say the least.
Ari's party was a pure success. She loved all of her presents and had fun playing in the dirt, swimming and frolicking with friends. My mom was bearable and didn't embarrass me too much. She had too black eyes and one of her teeth is rotting right out of her head. It was startling and scary. She invited me to Thanksgiving dinner which gives me hope because at least now she believes she will live until Nov. Her levels jump up and down like they are on some demonic pogo stick (cue system of a down) and everytime she finds out they've gone down she gets her hopes up which in turn gets mine up.
No news on the money from Mike's dad yet, I've kind of given up hope on that too. All I've got left is Keira and the fact that Ari might get into headstart.

Editting the Invite List

As hard as I've been fighting for my mother to show Ari equal affection I'm kind of hoping she won't show up tomorrow. The thought of having to deal with her all day makes me tired and physically ill. Actually dealing with her makes it that much worse. I'm hoping that playing host will keep me from her but I know she will do something to gain constant attention. It makes me angry. Tomorrow is Ari's day and I know somehow, someway, mom will make it about her. She will show up here empty handed and then spend three hours trying her damndest to steal the limelight from her own granddaughter.

That Smell

This morning I got up at 6 with Mike to clean the house for the party tomorrow and I started with the porch because the dawn was calling me. It had a certain scent to it, an undefinable camping or vacation smell. I realized all summer mornings probably smell the same but I only get up early enough to catch the dawn scent when we are camping or on vacation. It smelled like happy.

Yeah. Time Flies

Tomorrow's another Friday.

Something in a Magazine

I don't remember what I was reading. That's the worst part. Whatever it was was so important that I didn't hear the first or the second time Donovan shouted "she's sinking". I don't remember diving in. I don't remember swimming over. I just remember lifting Ari out of the water and how she coughed with that surprised look on her face. I just remember her clinging to me crying and how Keira kicked in panic and my legs quivered with fear. I don't remember what I was reading or why it was so interesting.

The June Conundrum

Ari's birthday is Saturday. Rather her party is. It frustrates me that we don't have enough money to have a good party and good presents. It feels like even though Donovan's party is at the same time as our anniversary and valentines day, there is always plenty of money for it and even though there aren't any holidays near Ari's it's always a struggle. Why is that?

"Before Enlightenment you chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment you chop wood and carry water." -Buddist Proverb

In the long run... and even short term- it's the little things that count. I hear the kid's laughter and even though they ignored the order to take a nap an hour ago I can't yell at them because their laughter is so beautiful to my ears. Tomorrow I'll have to continue yelling and nagging. Tomorrow I continue being Mom but for now...
Just listening is enough.

"It's a New Dawn, It's a New Day, And I'm Feelin' Good."

Another weekend. It feels like this pregnancy is flying by. It feels like time is so fleeting. Still, it's a good thing because I couldn't dream of waiting much longer for little Keira to be in my arms. Soft, gentle, smellin all sweet.
Mike and Milt both expect the decision for the lawsuit to be in any day. It would be nice to have the extra money when she'd born. It would be a great lift to some of the worries that all new parents have. It would be nice but my hopes aren't up.

"We're All a Mess of Contradictions. Dying Doesn't Change That." -Judging Amy

I cleaned the kitchen until 3am this morning and somewhere in the darkness, in the quiet, I realized I was wrong to be angry at Mike. I made him lunch and left him a sticky on the mirror telling him I loved him and was sorry.
I'm going to try and talk to him tonight about hormones and how I just need time to come to the realization that thats what is motivating my mood. I wonder if this new found awareness will continue after I have Keira and will it force me to second guess my valid bad moods.

I'm Gonna Kill That Glove

Day six of everyone throwing up around me and my sudden intolerance for meat products becomes clear. 5 days of half digested zitti and now hamburger helper that has taken on a pink tinge and resembles potted meat. Horsemeat. Of all the days of vomit I've had I have to conclude that Ari gets the award for the most noxious. I almost heaved myself having dined only on plain pasta.
I need help! That's the long and the short of it. The kids wear on my nerves to the point where I need to escape and then someone else gets sick. Mike was out most of the night getting tattoo work done and when I asked him to go to the store and buy some food his excuse of being too tired sent me through the roof. It seemed unfair that he should be able to trade whatever he wants for 5 hours of tattoo work but when I want cereal it's a federal case. I tried to talk to him about it but he left the room mid sentence. I went to bed mad and my penance was not only an awful case of leg cramps but now Ari's vomit haunts the house like a noxious spirit. I will have to apologize to mike but that doesn't solve the fact that I'm so alone.

Did You Know Funerals Can Be Over A Week Long?

President Reagan died. I was a kid when he was in office and now three presidents later it makes me feel rather old to hear about the end of his life. And while there is certainly no love lost between us I find it discouraging to watch so many great and powerful people, intelligent people, humbled by death and senility in my lifetime. One minute able to run a whole country the next unable to remember his wife and children. So many, from strangers such as President Reagan to family such as my paternal and maternal grandfathers. Even my own mother.

Kill Your TV Man

I find more and more of my life is run by my cable stations. I know I should fill my life with my kids and my faith; reading and my writing but my motivation is at zero. I keep telling myself that as soon as the baby is born it will be different. I'll go to the gym and get up early but I remember the strained, exhausted days following Donovan and Ari's birth and I'm worried I'm becoming some kind of house wife monster that watches soap operas and schedules meals around Montel or Jerry Springer.

"Water can flow or it can crash...Be water my friend." Bruce Lee

The pain has begun. Sharp shooting pain in my tail bone and hips, burning aches across the top of my tummy and spasms that lock up my knees and legs. Part of me is worried that I've done something to compromise my pregnancy. The other half tells me not to worry, that these are all the half-remembered aches of labor, my body preparing itself to deliver Keira safely into the world. There has been no spotting or other prelabor symptoms but the cramps in my back and stomach make me worry that maybe something is not quite right.
Music: Stereo Fuse- "Super Hero"

Chinese Take Out

Today was a Sunday. We slept in late and had really really great sex then cuddled with the kids. We ordered tons of Chinese take out and pigged out before going back to bed and snuggling up for a nice long nap. Now we are chilling out waiting for the Sopranos to come on.
It makes me calm; no visitors, no reason to get dressed or answer the phone. I feel complete and relaxed. I don't miss myself. I don't miss him. We are one.

Much Better Now

174lbs
The rain has stopped and my mood is much better. I knew, after two pregnancies, that the backache was due to not enough water. Now that the fridge is fully stocked with water, juice and milk I"m sure the backache will ease.
This morning I heard the baby's heartbeat with the bebesounds for the first time. It made the day seem brighter. Then Ari came in and cuddled with me and that set the tone for the rest of the day.
Music: Red House Painters- "All Mixed Up"

Average Everyday Sane Psycho

I'm in a horrible mood today. I feel on edge and unhappy. The weather has been too cool to swim the last couple of days and today it's raining. I guess I feel trapped. I asked Mike to get milk on his way home and he told me no. It put me off even more and then Donovan complained about lunch. The smell of the rain and a nice full belly have helped a little.
Tomorrow we visit the midwife but everything's become so routine that some of the excitement is missing. I hope she'll be able to help me find the heatbeat with my Bebesounds. We put some headphones against my belly and let Keira listen to some music. Some classical stuff like Bethoven and Bach. She seemed to enjoy it a lot. I had planned to try it again tonight but Mike will be home late and he seems distant lately. I think work tires him out. Work. Life. I've been where he is. He counts down the days until we are self sufficient enough for him to quit. I miss him. I count the days as well.

The Winner Is?

Friday I had my ultrasound. It was surprising to me that I wasn't more excited but when the time came and I had been told it was a girl I cried and my heart filled with joy. Even though I wanted a boy I was sure it was a girl and the confirmation that I have such a close bond with her is exhilerating. We've decided to name her Keira Rhiannon. I'm excited to start buying clothes for her as most of the clothes Courtney brought over are definitely boy clothes. Ari doesn't seem overly excited she got her way but D asked if, when the time came, he could teach Keira to rise a bike. I'm very proud of them both.

Fear and Sadness

I feel awful today. I'm not sure why, whether it was a dream or being woken up last night from a sound sleep or a combination of the two. It makes me even more angry that I can't stop the tears and sadness when my family so clearly needs me to be happy. I try putting on a brave face but wonder if the effort just makes it worse. Mike thinks its something he's done. I don't know how to show him it's not.

Kindergarten Class of 2004

Today Donovan graduates from kindergarten. So far it hasn't hit me. I think the first time I see him in his little cap with his little diploma I'll fall apart. On Friday we find out if the baby is a girl of a boy. A friend dropped off all the clothes from the baby she lost. I felt bad but pretended it was just another day, another bag of hand-me-downs. I wonder if it was cathartic for her to just be done with it so she can move on with her life. On the other hand, she procrastinated for so lond maybe it was tricky.
Out guest got the good news that he is not breaking probation being away from home. I think it's a huge weight off his chest. I"m happy he might finally be getting a break.

Hi! I'm Luna and my mother is nuts

It's a rare thing for a person to go through most of their lives before they realize how thoroughly their parents have messed them up. I realized it the other day and cried. It was a rough day and at 11:45pm she showed up, waking me from a sound sleep. Apparently she's better and will now live to a ripe old age. It frustrates me that of all days she could break the news that she's found some miracle cure, she picks the day when I'm trying to work through being the adult child of an alcoholic. Trying to convince myself I'm not co-dependent or worse yet, an enabler. I think in the end I've decided to keep the disbelief. I'm holding it close to me and using it as a buffer between me and the emotion. It has helped that life is a blur since then because I got sick almost immediately. 4 days later and I"m still trying to find the right balance.
Last night I got up because I thought one of the kids was sick. I heard one of them coughing so I got up and poked my head through the door. I heard Ari talking to someone. I thought maybe she was having a late night tete a' tete with our guest Ben. I pulled on some clothes and came out into the hallway but everyone was asleep. I know I heard a little girl's voice. I know she was talking to someone. I wonder if it was a ghost. I complained a lot about the old apartment being a psychic void with no left over energy at all but I'm not sure I'm ready for voices. I'm wondering if it wasn't just a really vivid dream. I can't remember if I locked the door when I came back to the bedroom but this morning it was locked. COuld it have been a dream or a visitation of someone who wanted more attention that we are giving her. I wish more than anything that I could know, for sure, what actually happened.

The many faces of Ari

Ari has become a tricky little girl. She doesn't listen and is very independent, insisting she get her own food and fasten her own seatbelt. I'm not sure if it's the new baby on the way or just a phase. If it is the baby I'm not sure what to do about it. All I can do is show her all the love for her I possess. She makes me so proud and she will never be the "middle child".

Baby Names

Hubby doesn't like to talk about baby names. Everytime I bring it up he gets irritable and refuses to discuss the topic on the grounds that it's "too early" or that he just doesn't care. Sometimes I wonder if I've inadvertantly hurt his feelings about something. Or maybe he never really wanted this baby and talking about it is just a reminder.

Early Mother's Day

What a wonderful early mother's day I've had. I got a foot spa, an electric razor and a beautiful little apothecaries cabinet. We are about to go out to breakfast and spirits are high, makes me wonder how much is love and how much is having money in the account and bills paid.

ERG ARG and maybe a little bit of RAWR!

Today is an off day. I'm bored, tired, achy and don't want to do anything. I think it's a combination of too much work yesterday and the huge wind storm thats building on the horizon. Wind gust are supposed to get up to 55mph. That much wind and dust makes me tired, especially when I have to walk in it. On the bright side hubby made a yummy yumm green chile stew last night so I don't have to cook.
Tomorrow I have to go sign Ari up for Headstart. I hope she meets the qualifications cause I really think she needs the interaction of other kids and I think I'll need the peace and quiet my last month of pregnancy. Right now they are rolling around on their skateboards talking baby talk and all I can think is: "I'm in trouble."

Yikes!!!

Most Elaborate Hoax since the Bonsai Kitten: Mr. Lee's Pregnancy

The Guest

A friend of ours ask us to take her boyfriend in because his mother wants to throw him in jail. I was kind of glad to do it. I can't imagine how many bad teens are out there in the world, killing animals, themselves, others and she wants to throw her normal kid in jail for not coming home on time. I really think that most of the problems with today's youth is their parents being lazy or not caring enough or being too stubborn in the old fashion forms of parenting. Why can't these parent's open their eyes and look at the world around them and notice what polite and respectful children they have and just be happy about it. The friend who asked us the favor is herself a friendly outgoing girl who's father has them so tightly under his thumb they aren't allowed to leave the house when he's home. Luckily, he is a trucker and his visits home aren't as often as they could be. Still can't he realize, can't a lot of these parent's realize that their children are beautiful, miraculous, street smart creatures who know the difference between right and wrong?
Goddess give me the strength to know when my kids are capable.

The Waiting Game

Here I am week 16 and the whole thing has become a waiting game. Right now I'm waiting for the baby to kick at week 20 I'm waiting for the ultrasound to tell me if the baby is a girl or boy then the waiting until the false labour begins.
I'm not even halfway there and already the whole experience is all about waiting.
Don't get me wrong, I love being pregnant but it's hard not knowing from day to day what the little tyke is up to.
Gimme a sign!

Feel Better Today

I had a talk with hubby and he apologized for making me feel so awful. I'm back to being on even keel, and money problems seem more like the same old everyday money problems instead of the world ending terror it was yesterday. I might lose internet for a couple days but that's no different from two months ago or 6 months ago.
I'm trying to convince myself that it wasn't a hormonal meltdown because, of course, I want to feel justified in my panic but the farther away it gets, the less real and justifiable it feels.
Damn those irrational periods.

Stress

Yesterday I hugged my husband and he told me to stop because it "made him feel funny". Now I just want to crawl even further in that hole of mine.

Allergy Drug Concerns

A couple days ago I took two allergy/sinus/headache reliever because I was seconds away from pulling my eye from it's socket and now today I find out that one of the main ingredients may cause birth defects/fetal defects. I'm terrified that what I've done is going to ruin my new baby's life. I'm certain that that one moment of weakness has completely removed my baby's chances of a normal happy childhood.
I'm wracked with guilt and I don't want to do anything but sit here and cry. I feel useless.

The Wisdom Of Gypsies

When my son was still young my husband threatened to send him to the gypsies if he was bad. He reacted so violently and desperately that we decided it wasn't a tactic we wanted to use in the future.
Well last night, after our daughter filled the fish tank, yet again, this time with toliet paper, he tried it again. I told him right away I thought it was a bad idea and when he was done terrorizing the kids into thinking we didn't love them I gave him the silent treatment until he took it back and apologized to the kids.
I'm sure everyone has different upbringing. Some people have two loving parents, some have one and some don't have anyone to love them. I think it would be harder on those who do have loving parents to be suddenly told that though we promised to love them forever, we've changed are mind and are selling them to strangers. I can't remember my mother using this form of punishment but I can imagine the sheer terror of knowing that "Tomorrow the gypsies are coming to pick you up."
Makes me think of Bush's "Shock and Awe" tactic of earlier in the war. It didn't get a whole lot done but it sure made him feel important.

Up Up and Away In My Beautiful, My Beautiful Balloon

The kids went for their first hot air ballon ride today and I forgot the camera of course. It'll always be etched in my mind, though, Ari's little fingers gripping the edge of the basket while the other hand pumped wildly, waving down at her speck of a brother on the ground. The balloon was tethered so we went up and up and up and then down and down. She giggled and laughed while Donovan went up and she jumped and shouted pointing at him. He ran toward me when they'd brought him down and they told everyone on the walk home that they'd just been way up in the air. It was so much fun. Tomorrow is easter and even though we don't celebrate the resurrection of jesus we do celebrate the spring and the fertility of it all. Despite our money situation the easter bunny will make an appearance before they kids wake up.
I've stopped feeling like a zoo keeper. Funny, it's always easier on the weekends.

Losing Yourself

I've discovered that as they grow my kids are morphing me. I used to be lightning strider, filled with adventure and strength. I rode the lightning and walked with the storms, I danced in the rain and charged through the open night. Then I became lunablossom, a delicate flower opening up to motherhood for the first time. With my second baby I became lunamuse. She inspired me to be more than just a docile flower and I became a poetess witch. Now with my third child I'm lunamama. I've stopped being free and independent, I've stopped being myself, instead I've become "Donovan's Mom" or even worse "Mike's Wife" and while I detest the fact that I've become these things I perpetuate them by calling other mother's "So and So's Mom" never even bothering to learn their real names. Now that I've known them almost a year I'm embarassed to admit that I don't remember their names. When they call and leave a message I don't return the call, unsure who it is I'm listening to. When we drop off the kids we refer to one another as "This one's mom" or "That one's mom" instead of becoming intimate friends. Those few who I have bothered to learn the names of have drifted away leaving me to wonder why bother. Why bother with learning anything when two months from now they will just be back to "This little piggy's mom."

Emotional Validation

You know, I'd like to break down and cry just once without the family rolling their eyes and blaming it on pregnancy hormones. The kids have been behaving like beasts the past two days and hubby has been at least two hours late every night. Arianna pooped in their bathtub toy bin. So yeah, I'm tired. I'm pissed off, and my feelings are hurt. I'm feeling more like a zoo keeper than a mother.
And all I want is someone to say, "You have a right to be hurt."

Getting The Energy Back

I'm finally starting to get a little of my energy back. I cleaned the whole house this morning except for my room and it's only 10. I think the house in an hour is pretty good, if I may say so myself.
Part of cleaning was dismantling Baybee's cage. I took it all apart and put what I could in the dishwasher and hand cleaned the rest. It hurt to say the least. It was just another finality I'm not ready to deal with. I can't lie and say that the ominous portent of her name hasn't haunted me from the beginnning. I named her Baybee and I've lost her and that makes me wonder if it's an omen about other babies. I've picked this trauma clean. I've gleaned every bit of fear and worry I possible can and now I turn the shiny bleached bones over and over looking for something else I can use to make my life complicated. It's my knack.
The rain has finally ended and I was thrilled the other day when Donovan said "Why do the Gods make it rain so much." I had been concerned about the schools brain washing him with "Under God" every morning, worried that I hadn't been doing my part to explain religion to him. His simple use of the word Gods instead of God made me happy. He's going to grow up believing that there are all kind of Gods to chose from and that no matter what he choses to believe he won't be wrong. And while I'd hate to see the day he tells hubby he's going to be Christian, I feel like I'm learned enough to tell him the good christian beliefs from the Guilt Makers. So for now it's Gods. "The Gods make the rain come because thats what plants need to eat. Plants eat sun and rain."
"Why don't the Gods send sun too, then?"
"They will."
And thats what I have to believe about Baybee, Lunababy and everything else in my life that is going horribly wrong...
The Gods won't forget the sunshine.

A Week Of Losses

I lost my old online journal this weekend. Lost my parakeet. It hurt to have to say goodbye so errevocably both to a part of myself and to such a good friend. All the poetry, all my thoughts and dreams. I guess there are some people out there who still hope it's a temporary problem but I know the site owner probably just gave up and quit.
So here I am starting over again wondering when I'll lose this one and hoping there is someway to put up some pretty pictures. I really need some pretty pictures.
By the way: Here I am mother of two, expecting another in about 6 months. They are the joy of my life.